Never gonna stop, give it up. Such a dirty mind....

My Sharona by the Kinks. Kinks, kinky. See what I did there?

Sigh, nevermind.

Anyhoo, I thought it was about time I gave an update on the kink site I joined. Things are going very well and I've met a lot of very nice people. More importantly though, I've learned a TON.

One thing that's hit me time and time again in the month or so I've been on there is how many things from my last relationship make more sense to me now. I really just didn't get it before. I had an idea, sure. But I have a much firmer grasp and understanding of things now. I kind of wish I'd have the chance to talk to my ex again about this stuff. It would be interesting to say the least.

I've also learned a lot about myself. For instance, years back, the very first things I learned about kink was through being an online sub to a friend. For years that stuck with me and I definitely have submissive leanings and desires. Then with my ex, I became something of a domme by default. I enjoy both. Once I got on the site, I immediately assumed I was a switch. After doing a lot of reading and asking questions, I see now that I definitely lean more towards topping and bottoming than doming and subbing. While I have no problem subbing, I have definite limits. Not just Hard limits, but I'm more of a bedroom sub than a lifestyle one.

As for topping/domming one of the most interesting things I've figured out is my forte seems to be ownership. I've discovered I really enjoy pet play and would much rather have a pet than a slave. I'm a very affection, protective person and that just fits so well with pets. It's funny, I indulged in pet play with the ex without really noticing. He was my puppy. It was a nickname, yeah, but it was also a cue that it was playtime and I was feeling controlling and he better be ready to obey me. I have a kitty now. A very sweet boy who couldn't be anything but a kitten.

I've learned I'm absolutely a sensual domme/top/owner/sub/bottom. I have no interest or desire for pain and punishment (other than teasing and denial) and that doesn't make me any less than the next kinky person. I used to feel like I somehow wasn't 'real' because I didn't want or want to inflict pain. Now I know it's all about what fits you.

So yeah. Things are going very well. Met some great, helpful people and make some new friends. Mission accomplished.

I guess that means it's time for a new mission ;)

LDR # 4....Yes, I'm Skipping 3 For Now....

#4 and I met, online first, through mutual friends....namely #3. We hit it off right away as great friends. We had similiar senses of humour and just got along really well. We talked regularly online for close to a year before we met. He lived in NYC where a number of my friends lived. I hadn't seen them in a while so in December of 2007, I decided a visit was long over due.

One of my best friends lives on LI, so I let him know I'd be coming down, but I wanted it to be a surprise for everyone else. Well, almost everyone else.

See, one of the people I was looking forward to seeing just happened to be #3. I let him know I was coming down, was looking forward to seeing him and MIGHT need a place to stay (I was dropping hints the size of Montana). He was happy to hear I would be visiting but let me know that he had started seeing someone. At the risk of spoiling the ending to Chapter LDR #3, he told me that him and a girl he had been sleeping with off and on while him and I were together (I knew all about it, we really had no strings) had gotten more serious and decided to take a shot at actually dating. I was disappointed for sure, he had always made me feel wonderful about myself, but I understood. I'll admit now that I had a bit of a problem with her in times past. I always felt that she was prettier and sexier than me and I was jealous that she was closer and got to spend more time with him than I did. But I told him then....and I meant it...that I was happy for him. He was the first guy who never lied to me about anything. He did, and does, value honesty above all else. It also didn't take long for me to realize what a smart, sweet and all around great girl she really is. They're still together today and they make a much better pair than him and I would've.

Without him to worry about, I felt like I really had a chance to see if there was anything between 4 and me. My best friend and I concocted a plan to get a bunch of my friends together for dinner in the city. They all met up at Penn Station where I snuck up on and surprised them. It was so great, people were surprised and happy to see me and I realized how much I missed my friends. 4 and I shared a huge hug and he was thrilled that I was there. We had a great dinner then headed to Rockefellar Center to see the Christmas tree. It was a beautiful night. I had fun with everyone but it was so nice to be with him. We held hands and hugged a lot. When the night was over, we all said our goodbyes until the next day.

The next day, my best friend and I met up with him at Penn again. I absolutely LOVE Christmas. I live all year round for it. So I couldn't possibly be in NYC at that time of year and not go to Macy's.

For anyone who doesn't know, Macy's department store in Manhatten is HUGE. Like, a full city block kind of huge. And they devote roughly half of an entire floor to their Christmas and Santa set. It's called Santaland and is this unbelievable maze of trees and decorations and huge displays. It meant a lot to me to be able to share that with them. Him and I got our picture taken with Santa which I still have in a frame on a shelf.

After that we headed to Brooklyn to meet up with friends at a bar. We had a great night with lots more hand holding and many a cuddle. The evening ended back where it began at Penn only we were much tipsyier this time. We hugged for a long time. I was so glad to have gone and finally met him and I definitely felt something. I was leaving the next morning and knew I wouldn't be back for months anyway. I was so torn over kissing him but finally didn't. With one last hug and a kiss on the cheek, we parted ways.

I regretted it immediately.

Once I got back to my friend's place, I texted him. We chatted a bit and I told him I wanted to kiss him. He got mad at himself because he wanted to kiss me too but wasn't sure if he should. We both laughed at what idiots we were and said next time not having the slightest clue when next time would be.

That was my favourite trip to NYC....

TBC.

Scars Are Souvenirs You Never Lose, The Past Is Never Far....

So I had one of those feelings that yesterday was something. I knew the day had some sort of significance to me but I couldn't think of what it was. I'm excellent with remembering dates so I was sure it wasn't a birthday or anniversary. It nagged me most of the afternoon until I happened to drive past a big digital sign outside of an office building and saw the date on it. Then it hit me.

October 29th 1998 was the day I ended my first real, long term relationship. We had been together since November 29th 1994. This is the relationship I talked about in my book stuff, LDR #1. It didn't really affect me anyway except I was happy to have remembered what was bugging me about the day.

About that breakup. My ex had been cheating on me with my then best friend of 14 years. I found out, had it out with both of them and that was the end of both of them in my life. Obviously at the time, it was devastating. I lost two of the most important people in my life in one fell swoop and it left me without the one who I always went to with my problems. But I eventually got over it and moved on.

I haven't talked to either of them since but I wouldn't mind to now. I wouldn't go out of my way to, but if we ever crossed paths, I'd probably say hi. I blame them both equally for what happened, they both betrayed me and my love for them and broke my heart.

Funny thing though. For maybe the last eight or so years, I've dreamt of them fairly often. Like, probably once a week kind of often. It's usually her and it's usually a normal situation in my current where her and I just happen to still be friends. When I dream of him, I'm usually angry and repulsed by him. We're still in a relationship but I clearly want nothing to do with him. I've always found that funny how my subconscious seems to play favourites between them.

So anyways, I get home from work last night and took a nap. I dreamt that I was visiting my ex at his parents place where I used to spend weekends with him. But this time it was different. We were happy and laughing and generally having a good time hanging out and when I left, I specifically referred to him as my ex-boyfriend. Then I woke up.

Like the title says, the past is never far away, but sometimes, it's far enough. And while you never do lose your scars, after 12 years, they certainly fade.

Book Stuff: LDR #2

This was my first foray back into the world of long distance relationships. Also, my virgin voyage into internet dating. It was all completely accidental. I had vaguely known him from a message board I was a member of for about a year. Our only real contact up to that point had been him coming to my virtual rescue against a message board bully who has targeted me. I had always been touched by that. That he had stuck up for someone he barely knew simply because he felt I was being wronged. I thanked him when it happened and asked why he did it. He was incredibly sweet and told me he could tell from the way I had treated other people and carried myself online that I didn't deserve the abuse I was getting. It meant so much to me when he said that. I considered him a friend after that despite the fact that we only traded a messaged hello or two for about seven months after that.

One night I was instant messaging with a couple friends when I saw him sign on. I hadn't talked to him in months, so I happily sent him a hello. He replied somewhat more sedately than he usually was and I asked him how he was. It turned out it was his birthday.
Excited to discover that, I wished him a very happy birthday and asked how he had celebrated it. He hadn't. I asked him why not and if everything was ok. Turned out, he had recently broken up with his long time live in girlfriend and basically spent the day alone. I felt terrible for him and decided to myself that I needed to do something that make him feel a bit better, even if it was just for a couple hours.

I asked him if he needed someone to talk to about all he was going through and that I was happy to listen if he did. He told me a little of what had happened between them but I didn't push the issue. I mean, we were casual online aquaintances at best and not everyone is comfortable opening up to a stranger. When I felt him talking about it all was doing more harm than good, I tried to steer the subject in other directions. We casually talked about the board we had met on then the conversation slowly evolved into getting to know each other better. That first conversation online lasted seven hours. We covered, life, love, mutual friends, family, jobs, hobbies and anything else we could think of. I can remember at one point thinking, "wow, this is like the best first date I've ever had". If we began the night as aquaintances, we most certainly ended it as good friends....if not more. We just instanly clicked. The conversation flowed smoothly, we got each other's humour and I accomplished my goal: for a few hours, he'd forgotten about the heartache he'd been going through and was able to laugh and enjoy his birthday. I should probably mention what else made the night special. He lives overseas and is five hours ahead of me. It was already well after midnight his time when we began talking late morning when we finally said goodnight. Somewhere in the middle of it all, we reminiced a bit about the first time we had noticed each other online. As it turned out, he had known, and liked me (platonically), for quite a while. He thought I was funny and clever and kind. I was so flattered. I told him I had liked him as well and somewhere in the midst of all that, I'm fairly sure there was a bit of flirting. Very harmless, casual, giggly school kids flirting, but nonetheless. We had a wonderful night together and part of why it went on so long was simply that neither of us wanted it to end.

We Can Dance, We Can Dance, Everybody Look At Your Pants....

Thank you Homer Simpson. Please don't sue me Matt Groening.

Now then, safety first...

No one wants to think their new sweetie is a deranged serial killer and, frankly, they probably aren't. Personal safety is never a fun thing to have to think about when you're in the throes of a thriving new relationship. It forces you to pay attention to things that happen in the Real World and consider the fact that, despite all evidence to the contrary, the object of your new found affection might not actually be perfect.

We've all heard the horror stores: women falling for the man of their dreams online only to discover he's more of a nightmare. It's not an uncommon occurrence to see stories on the news or in the papers about these situations and daytime talk shows seem to thrive on them. People of all ages, races and religions have been scammed out of money and possessions, assaulted, raped and killed by someone they thought they were in love with. It can happen to anyone at anytime. The trick is to take sufficient actions to make sure it doesn't happen to you.

Now I'm not ripping on the internet here, these things happen in Real World relationships too. In fact, five years ago, I met a nice guy at a show. He seemed pleasant and friendly and asked me out. I said yes and we went to dinner. Now, I was raised to always err on the side of caution. I knew nothing about this guy, so I had him pick me up at a mall near my place and drop me off at a coffee shop. A bit of the paranoid side maybe, but my motto is Better Safe Than Sorry. Real original, I know. Anyway, we went for a nice dinner and hung out at the boardwalk. He seemed like a decent guy with a good job and swell life but I didn't feel any sort of spark for him and somewhere around dessert, decided this would be our only date. At the end of the night, I thanked him for a nice time and gave him a hug. After a week or so of dropping constant hints to him that I wasn't interest, he stopped emailing. And that was that.

Except it wasn't. Seven months later, I got an email from him. A very threatening email. It had been sent to several people and I was one of the lucky ones. I contacted the police who quickly found his work and address and kept an eye on his for me. I chose not to take any legal action. For one, it wouldn't have been difficult for a lawyer to argue he meant nothing by it and it, and he, was harmless. For two, you just don't poke the bear. This guy remembered me and not fondly. If I got threats for not wanting a second date, what would pressing charges get me? I was not willing to find out. Plus, I discovered through the officers handling my case that he lived about 45 minutes away from me. Between that and knowing he didn't know where I lived, I felt safe enough. The police were extremely helpful. They kept an eye on his home and work and told me to stay in contact with them and report any further communication. I got a few more emails over the next year (all sent to several people) then nothing else. Actually, not quite nothing. I got a friend request from him on a social networking site. He had searched for me using my email address. Needless to say he was quickly denied and blocked and I reported him as someone who was contacting me after having been investigated for stalking me. Which brings me to Safety Tip #1: Learn how to block people on every communicative site you're on, from social sites to email and everything in between. Learn how to control the privacy settings so only people you know and trust are able to find out your personal info. And never be afraid to say 'no'. It's amazing how many women I've talked to who feel like they're being rude for declining a friend request or blocking a person. Well, I'd rather be rude than stalked or worse, but that's just me.

Tell Me What It Takes To Let You Go....

Time for a little more demon exorcising in hopes that maybe I can figure some stuff out. My ex is still in my head. Sometimes I'm ok with it, sometimes I hate it with a rage of a thousand suns. But he still lives in there, at least part time.

We were together for over 7 months and he told me countless times he was an old man (32) who just wanted to settle down and be with me. He told me regularly that we were in this for the long haul. That he wanted me and me alone and was too old and tired to cheat and never wanted to. We talked about growing old together.

Despite all that, about a month from the end, something in him changed. He was briefly hospitalized for 'exhaustion' and was never the same with me after that. There were flickers and glimmers of the man I was in love with but for the most part, he was distant, detached. Whole days would go by without us talking including stretches of 3 and 4. He even sounded different to me. I knew something was going on, I just didn't know what.

Until a friend told me he had found a profile for him on 2 different kink personals sites. Both advertising he was single. Both looking for a relationship.

When I tried to confront him, he told me 'this won't work out' if I was going to suspicious of him. When I told him about the sites, he said it was no big deal and we would talk about it. It took a week for him to finally get back to me to talk.

During the conversation, he lied to me and then got angry. He hung up on me twice. When I asked him to assume I knew everything and just tell me the truth he said no, tell me what you know. When I caught him in lies, he called me a liar and an asshole for it. He said nothing he did was wrong and he did it out of exhaustion and stress. He said it didn't matter because nothing on the internet is real. He threw another fit and hung up on me for a second time. I didn't call back.

Despite all of this, he still hangs around in my head. Despite all of this, sometimes I'm ok that he still hangs around in my head.

After reading all this back, I think it's eviction time. Pack your shit and get the fuck out :)

Love Is a State Of Insanity....

So I've been on the new kink site for a few days now and I must say, I'm really happy there. It's funny, I was so nervous to sign up but everyone I've talked to has been so friendly and helpful. I'm feeling a much stronger connection with my kink side and I've learned that I spent too much time worrying about titles and inadvertantly comparing myself to other kinksters. I know what I want more than ever now and that just because it doesn't involve me wanting any kink/BDSM/sub/dom stuff to be super serious all the time, doesn't make it any less valid. So yeah, things there are going swimmingly.

I found one thing rather unusual though. Everyone there has been exceedingly friendly and polite. I actually feel safer on there than I do on vanilla sites! Is it just me or do guys on regular sites have no respect (for themselves or women), tact and any sense of how to talk to a woman? Here's a few examples of message I've received in the last few days.

Kink: hi anytime you need help just ask.
Facebook: Oh yes you do have an awsome rack baby!!!

Kink: Hi, Just saying hello, really :) If you want to chat about any aspect of the lifestyle, ask any questions etc, feel free to contact me as I may be able to help.
FB: you have very sexy and wonderful boobs...

Kink: I'm not sure if I am what you are looking for but I would love to chat some more and perhaps help each other in each others journey of discovery into what we would like to discover in this alternative lifestyle.
FB: I like watching porn and jacking off while watching it,then lick my own come...also like to suck on my friends cock...we do it sometimes...just sucking and stroking each other...not sex

Notice a trend? The people on a kink/fetish site with a personals section for meeting people have all been polite, thoughtful and helpful. The guys on facebook, where I'm only there to play Mafia Wars and poke my friends, seem to think these are perfectly acceptable ways to address a stranger. What the hell??? Are guys really this stupid or is facebook just a black hole of intelligence where manners and decency get checked at the door? Extremely off-putting.

If anyone needs me, I'll be hanging out with the grown-ups on the kink site. If only I could sic my Mafia on these douchebags while I'm there.

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places....

So I've finally caved into the peer pressure of my beloved bffs and signed up on a personals site. I'm absolutely not ready to date or anything yet, but I figure it couldn't hurt to maybe meet some new people, make some new friends and find some people who are into the same things I am to talk to and learn from.

Yes, it's a kink site. I'm totally nervous but also excited. I'll keep you guys posted if any escapades or hyjinx break out :)

Back To Business: Unclean, Uncleeeeeeeeeeean

NOTE: This was written before the relationship I refer to ended. I don't plan on changing anything I wrote before my breakup but I will address it all in the chapter concerning the ill-fated LDR #5.

Ok, that might be a slight over-dramatization, but you definitely need to be prepared to deal with reactions like that once you take the plunge into internet dating or a long distance relationship. Like anyone in a new relationships, you're going to be bursting with bliss, giddy with glee and all of those other things that make everyone around you nauseous. Most importantly, you're dying to share your good news with your family, friends and everyone you pass on the street. Normally, this would be a simple task. You just say you've met someone who makes you weak in the knees. But what if you haven't met them yet?

In my experience, upon telling someone of an internet relationship, you'll get one of two reactions. Either the person you tell will be happy for you and basically react as if this was a traditional relationship. Or they'll look at you like you've grown a second head. There seems to be very little middle ground on this one. People either get it or they don't.

When they get it, it requires little explanation. You'll generally discuss how you met, how you stay in contact, how serious you feel things are then get into all the juicy details about how perfect and adorable the new object of your affection is. Pretty standard stuff.

When someone doesn't get it, they'll think things like it's not 'real', it doesn't 'count' as a relationship, you can't have feeling for someone you've never met and usually offer some sort of well meaning advice like "but you're such a great catch! you don't have to do this!" Be warned: expect to be extremely frustrated dealing with someone who doesn't get it. But also remember: if you've told them, they must be important to you. While it's disappointing to not always get the reaction you want, the reaction you get, is generally out of love for you. Does that make it ok? Not by a long shot. But for everyone's sake, you need to put yourself in their shoes and try to see how they can't quite grasp it.

My person who doesn't get it, and trust me on this one you'll have one too, is my Mom. Now no offence to older readers, but I think it's a generational thing. My Mom doesn't understand how the internet and new technologies have made the world a much smaller place. Not only do I talk to my current boyfriend on the phone every day, we also text, im, email and video chat. We even sleep together sometimes, both of us curled up in bed with out respective netbooks. Is it the same as being in bed together? Not even close. But believe me, some nights, it makes those 1500 miles feel like the length of my arm. To my Mom's credit, she always tries to understand, even when it makes little sense to her. As long as I'm happy and the person I'm with makes me happy, then she's happy too. Not that it hasn't been a point of contention at times. We've had more than a few arguments on the subject, but when it comes right down to it, she always supports me and I'm eternally grateful for that.

TBC.

I Don't Know If I've Ever Been Really Loved By a Hand That's Touched Me....

So since I started writing this, I've been debating how much to include. I'm pretty much an open book, that's not the issue. I just don't want anything I share to come off as gratuitous. I certainly have nothing against erotica and porn but this is my real life I'm sharing here. Not that some of it couldn't pass for erotica and porn, I just wasn't sure it should.

Recent events have made me think long and hard about a couple things. One is honesty. While I don't believe it's always necessarily the best policy, (hurting someone's feelings over something small and unimportant is needless) I do believe it's crucial in relationships. Two specifically. One with your lover and one with yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself about who you are, your feelings, beliefs...you'll never be truly comfortable with yourself. And Much like love, you can't really be happy with anyone else until you're happy and comfortable with yourself.

This past year, a lot of things have changed for me. I met someone that allowed me to, for the first time in my life, be me. The real me. The me I''d always been ashamed of and terrified people would find out about. He embraced it, loved it and in turn made me embrace and love myself too.

That was one of the most upsetting things for me about our recent breakup. I know how irrational it is, but in the mind of a heartbroken woman, ration and reason have no place. I was horrified because I felt like without him, I was going to have to go back to how I used to be. In denial, faking my way through life and relationships. Going back to trying to be when guys want me to be and not who I am. Then I decided that didn't have to happen. Sure, I'd have to do stuff on my own and figure things out for myself, which honestly scares the shit out of me. But just because I lost him doesn't mean I have to lose the Me he helped me release.

So this is me: I'm a kinkster and a romantic. I love presents and flowers and teddy bears and cuffs and leather and chains. I like to cuddle and snuggle and make love and dominate and submit and rape. I like honey and baby and sweetheart and bitch and slave and dog. I like to cause and cry tears of happiness and tears of agony. I like inflicted pain kissed and made better. I like hugs and bondage. I like exerting my will and have it surpressed. I like having depraved things done to me while sweet things are said to me. I want it all and I want them all to expressions of deep, honest, passionate love.

So this is me and I can only hope that somewhere out there is a person who I will simply fit with and they will fit with me and we'll both be able to have it all. Together.

Just Because You're Paranoid, Don't Mean They're Not After You....

Ok, maybe a tad melodramatic, but if you haven't noticed yet, I like to title my posts after song lyrics. Good ol' Nirvana.

Anyway, I'm a big believer in making things have meaning. I think that if something bad happens to you and you can't extract some sort of meaning or lesson out of it, you'll never completely move on from it. I've struggled with depression for 16 years. It's a mental illness, yes, but it's also a disease. Mine, to the best of my doctor's knowledge, is strictly chemical. I liken it to diabetes. A diabetic's blood sugar goes up and down, causes mental and physical problems when it does and they take pills or insulin daily to keep the levels stable. So do I. My seratonin (mainly) levels can fluctuate and cause me mental and physical problems and I take a pill a day to keep them stable. When I recovered from my first episode, which took nearly 2 years, I had some difficulty dealing with what I had been through. It took a really long time for me to accept it all and to realize it had changed me. Then I had a choice. I could wallow that it happened or I could use it for me. Now by no means am I saying it was easy, but I chose to see it like this: it happened and I can't go back and make it not happen. This is me now so let's work with it. I decided to turn what was probably the worst experience/years of my life into a positive. I believe now that I went through hell.....and believe me, it was HELL....so that I could help other people going through it now. To me it gives it meaning. It didn't just happen and ruin my life. I've talked to countless people in the last decade about depression. Trying to offer support, help and just be there for them. If I've managed to help a single person feel like they aren't alone and someone does understand what they're going through, well then it was all worth it.

Wow, that was long winded. But I do have a point. I've been asked by people who know how I view things what I can possibly take out of my breakup. It came out of nowhere, I thought we were completely in love and happy and, admittedly, when I found out what had been going on, it was like a punch in the face. With a shovel.

What can I possibly take out of that as a positive? This.

Always trust your gut. Since early August I had been saying to my closest friends that something wasn't right. At times, he seemed like a stranger to me. He even sounded different. I knew something was up. I tried to talk to him to find out what it was but all he'd say was he was tired and stressed. Well he'd been that for our entire relationship. Something had changed, something was different, something had happened. I didn't know what. I still don't, really. But I knew in my gut, in my heart and in my soul that something was wrong.

And I, sadly, was right.

Ladies, when you know something, I mean truly KNOW that things just aren't the same, trust it. I've always believed in intuition. Not women's intuition. MY intuition. If you can't trust your gut, what can you trust? Don't let anyone, especially the object of your intuition tell you otherwise. Look for answers, ask questions, but trust in yourself always. You know more than you think.

Thank You....

To everyone who has commented here, im'ed, pm'ed, emailed and otherwise contacted me about this blog. It means so much to me that it's somehow touching the people who've read it. That's what I was really hoping it would do. That maybe someone out there would recognize a bit of themselves in here and feel comforted that someone else has gone through the same fucked up bullshit haha.

But seriously, the kind words have really had an impact on me and helped get me through the last few weeks. I'm not ready yet to reveal any of the details of my breakup just yet, but I will be posting more ramblings and potential chapters soon.

Thank you all again <3

Lesson Learned....

I used to say that I wasn't the girl guys dated. I was the girl guys cheated with. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of in my life and yes, I've been the other woman. It doesn't matter why or how or anything else, really. I did it.

But never again.

Lesson learned, Karma. Lesson learned.

The Reports of My Demise....

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a really weird week. It never occurred to me when I started writing that my last chapter would have an ending. I'm sad for the loss of my relationship. At one point, I might've used the word devastated. It came out of nowhere, to me at least. I've wondered if I was being naive or just in love. Is there even a difference? Either way, while I am sad, I've decided to simply look back fondly at the fun, silly and happy times we had. I still care. Pesky feelings and not having a switch to turn them off and on. But like I said, I'm just going to look back fondly and be happy for the time we had together. I'm a much different person than I was at the beginning of the year. Happier, freer, and much more at peace with myself and he was instrumental in all of it. For that, I will always be grateful.

I haven't done much writing since it happened. I'm quite curious as to how it's going to affect my position and view point on the subjects I haven't tackled yet. I guess we'll find out together....

I Wish This Had've Come Out a Bit Earlier.....

Great article...

http://www.lovingyou.com/articles/love/can-you-handle-an-open-ldr/

It Only Hurts When I Laugh.....

One of the worst parts right now is that he had become such a huge part of my life and I miss that. We were always friends first and as much as it hurts right now to not have my boyfriend and lover, it hurts worse to not have my friend. When anything happened, good or bad, he had become my go to person. So many times in the last few days, I've seen or heard something and thought to myself, "Oh man, I should totally text him this." But I can't. Or at least I don't feel like I can yet.

We had our first communication today. Nothing significant but it kind of made me feel better to get it out of the way. Like, up to that point, it felt like I had this huge black cloud hanging over my head. Now it's only gray.

I miss him. I know I shouldn't say that but it's true. I mean, short of finding out you're in love with a serial killer, feelings don't just go away. It would be so much easier if they did. I still love him. I'm angry and hurt but I still love him.

I'm waiting to get answers. It's probably going to be a little longer due to some unfortunate circumstances. That really sucks on a few levels. I want to find out where we stand. I mean, I know we're over. How can we not be? But I'm trying to figure out if there's anything that can be salvaged. Honestly, I hope so. I hope when we talk, he's honest with me. I'll know if he's not. But I'm hoping against hope right now that he'll be honest and tell me everything so, at some point, we can be friends.

So one day, when I think, "Oh man, I should totally text him this.", I can and will.

Looks Like I Have An Epilogue To Write....

So it seems I may have written my last post a little too soon, I'm sorry to say. I had intended to post something everything but the last few day have been not good. There will be more to come when I'm a better place emotionally. Many thanks to everyone who has been watching my back and taking care of me, I love you guys.

When I'm Done With Crying, Then I'm Done With You...

Turns out it's not as simple as that after all. I've discovered a lot of things about myself since I started writing my book and I thought I was prepared to do it. As it turns out, I was wrong. In my initial excitement, I never really considered a possible downside. I expected to write it all out while reminiscing about good times and bad, laughter and tears and things that I had gotten over years ago. As I'm learning now, being able to look back at something without being sad or angry or upset doesn't mean you're over it. I'm realizing now how many things I thought I was over still affect me in my life today. The biggest one being, that as much as I can laugh at my exes and blame them for our breakups and say how much better off I am now, the truth is deep down, I've always blamed myself. I would never consciously admit it, but I've always felt like I was never good enough because if I had've been...well, maybe I wouldn't have so many exes.

The other thing I've discovered is how much shame I have over certain things. Shame for things I let happen to me, that I wouldn't or couldn't put an end to and because of that, I have trust and self esteem issues today. If only I knew then what I know now...

I'm a really open person. No conversation topic is off limits with me and I don't embarrass easily. But after spending so much time looking back lately, there's a lot of things I've kept hidden, even from my closest friends. Someone once told me that shame thrives in the darkness and dissipates in the light. I think it's time I exposed my shame.

By no means am I doing this is a 'poor me' way. I know there, unfortunately, are countless women out there who have dealt with much worse and I admire and applaud them for their bravery in surviving. I'm just hoping that by getting these things out, some after 20 years, that maybe I can finally put my demons behind me.

This is by far that hardest thing I've ever tried to write. Here goes...

My very first boyfriend, P, cheated on my several times over roughly 2 years. I remember three excuses he gave me. "I was drunk." "Look at her body, how could I turn her down?" "She was prettier than you."

I thought that S really cared about me. It turned out I was a game to him. That he could find any girl and convince her he was falling for her. He did.

B used to tell me I needed to lose weight and how embarrassed he was to be seen with someone so fat. While he hit me.

K left me after nearly 4 years for a girl who was nearly 400lbs.

K2 would never admit we were together. Despite the fact that for all intents and purposes we were. Again, for nearly 4 years. Until the day he came to my house, just before my birthday, to tell me he had a girlfriend. Then asked if he could bring her to my party.

J found me at my lowest point. He told me everything I needed to hear, how beautiful and sexy and worthwhile I was. He also had a girlfriend. He strung me along for months ending it then coming back to me. Always saying the right thing until my self esteem was dependent on him. He would never admit to anyone that we were even friends in case his gf got suspicious. He got off on trying to turn me into a whore for his amusement. One night I actually had his cock in my mouth then 2 hours later I was hugging his gf upon meeting her. He made me feel like the scum of the earth. It finally ended when I found out through a mutual friend that he had proposed to his gf.

J2 flirted with me for a long time before we got together. He made me feel like he loved me, inside and out. Then I found out he had a girlfriend since we first met. Who was 5 months pregnant.

I've been writing this for over an hour now. So many things I've deleted only to retype them. This is everything. Everything I've kept hidden from subsequent boyfriends, everything I've buried, everything I've denied and everything I've even lied to myself about having happened. As soon as I hit publish, it's all gong to be out there for the world to see. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But keeping it all inside for the last 20 years damn sure hasn't helped me any. Here's hoping exposing it to the light really does make it dissipate.

And Now I Tell You Openly, You Have My Heart So Don't Hurt Me.....

Love scares the shit out of me. I just finished saying this to my boyfriend. I am crazy in love with him. More than I'm comfortable with really, but it can't be helped. Love seldom can be. I have absolutely no power or control over it here and that terrifies me.

We've had some issues lately. Our own and together. It's been hard and painful for both of us. Is pain the greatest indicator of love? Nothing so completely convinces us of our state of heart like pain. Without it we'd never know the depths that we love, the extremes that we'll go to obtain and hold on to it. To love is to open yourself up completely to another person. To let them into the deepest, darkest recesses of our minds, souls and hearts. The places that we hide from the world, the places where we hide from the world. For someone with trust issues, like yours truly, it's the hardest thing in the world to do. Yet I've done it.

Because not loving him is an even scarier prospect.

P.S. I've just discovered S4lem. I think I'm in love. I just hope they don't break my heart.

Book Stuff: Chapter 2

My First Long Distance Relationship, Part 1...

I was 20 at the time and he was 21. We'd been dating for about a year and a half by that point and would be together for a little over two more. We had met through a mutual friend and hit it off...much to the mutual friend's chagrin. But I'll get to that later.

We had a blissful life together...for the first year. After that, the honeymoon was definitely over. To be fair, we had some tough circumstances to deal with. I had gotten sick, and would be, for over a year and it was hard on him. Hard on us. By that time, his parents (Mom and Step-Dad) had decided that the fact he wasn't working or in college was my fault as I was clearly a bad influence on him and, in order for him to get his act together, he should go live with his Dad and Step-Mom. I've always believed it had less to do with that and more to do with getting him as far away from me as possible. They lived nearly an hour away, but for two kids without cars, it might as well have been another planet. I was crushed...on the surface. Inside, I was secretly thrilled. I loved him, don't get me wrong, but we needed a change and absence does make the heart grow fonder, right? At least that's what we told ourselves in between sob fests as we cursed the heartlessness of everyone for doing this to us. Deep down, I was relieved. As much as I loved our time together, I needed my own space and I (we) had not yet reached that point of emotional maturity where I could admit that. To him or to myself. Back then, to not want to be with him every second of every day simply had to mean I didn't love or want to be with him anymore. That was simply unacceptable to me. So I kept it to myself and hoped our new arrangement, seeing each other every or every other weekend would give us back the spark I felt we had lost. Oh yeah, did I mention we were no longer having sex? Unfortunate side effect of my illness and, later, of the medication to treat it. So yeah, we were in rough shape...

Polyamorous Ponderings...

I've been reading a lot about polyamory lately. As someone who has always been the 'jealous type', I've never believed it was something I could ever handle. I'm still not sure I could, but I do understand my feelings about it now. My jealousy issues have stemmed from the fact that I've been cheated on a number of times. That's nothing unusual, how many people haven't cheated or been cheated on at some point? But while reading and thinking about it, I've come to realize that I blame myself for the demise of every significant relationship I've ever been in. Anytime I was ever cheated on and had a boyfriend break up with me, I'd get angry and upset. Both very natural reactions. I'm seeing now though, that not all of my anger was at them. I would be angry at myself for somehow not being good enough to make them stay with me. Terrible, I know and if it got out I'm sure I'd be lynched by some pissed off feminists, but it's true. I've mentioned before that I'm currently in a relationship. What I didn't mention is that, for the first time in my life, I'm just being myself. I've always felt I had to be whoever the guy wanted me to be. That no one would want me as a saw myself: a freak. I had fantasies and desires I was positive would make any sane man run screaming from me. So for 20 years, I faked it. Then as soon as I reached a point where I felt like I was too damn old to be faking anymore, I met a man who loves me for me. That makes me believe that I'm enough. That anything is possible.

But not quite polyamory. Yet ;)

Comments...

I'd love some :) Seriously, I'd love to know what you guys think so don't be shy! Especially if you find something has a familiar feel to you. For one, I'd appreciate knowing I have some sort of audience out there lol. And for two, it'd be nice to know this crazy shit doesn't only happen to me! :D

Book Stuff...

So this would be the working introduction to my book...

So first, a little about myself. I'm not a doctor or therapist or any sort of 'expert'. As Gwen Stefani once said, I'm Just A Girl. A girl who has had the good fortune (misfortune?) to have met some truly wonderful guys who just happened to live anywhere from 1000-5000 miles away from me. Since I was 20 years old, I have been in....count them....FIVE long distance relationships, four of which initiated through the internet. The trials and tribulations of all of them will be recounted in this book along with the countless tips and lessons I've learned along the way.

It's a brave new world out there. An age where people text each other from two rooms away and where meeting over coffee has turned into instant messaging from internet cafes in different time zones. It's a cyber world of chat programs, social networking, message boards and dating sites 'promising' to find you a soulmate in 30 days or you get the next month free! But it's a double edged sword. Sure, there's the instant gratification factor and the chance to get to know people on the other side of the world you probably wouldn't otherwise but the price for that has been the personal experience. Yeah, it's nice to be able to look at your potential dating options in one neat, tidy inbox or buddy list. It's also nice to meet face to face, to feel that immediate tingle of attraction and that vibe that tells us if this person is a potential mate. Is one better or worse? Right or wrong? That's up to you to decide. I'm just here to tell you what I did in those situations and hopefully inspire a laugh, a tear or a 'whew, sure glad that wasn't me!'.

I've never dated a guy or been in a relationship where at some point I didn't say to myself, "boy, it would be nice if someone wrote a handbook about this stuff". Even more in long distance relationships and even more in internet relationships. Well, someone did. Like, I said, I'm by no means any sort of expert. Just a girl who's been through it all more than a few times. I may not always know what to do, but in a lot of instances, I've sure learned what NOT to do. It took me twenty years to learn from my mistakes. Maybe someone reading this will be a quicker study than I was.

Things I think About in the Middle of the Night....

No, not that. Ok, that but also this....does a relationship need to have an Ultimate Goal?

I'm going to be filling this blog with chapters of my book that I've already completed and probably write new ones here. I'm also going to be rambling about the various ideas and thoughts that pop into my head. This is one of those times...

So yeah. Is an ultimate goal necessary to have a successful relationship? Well, I guess that depends on what you view as a success. I mean, it's obviously a good idea to know what you want out of a relationship and life as a whole. Be it marriage, companionship, kids or hot sex, you should know what it is you're ultimately hoping to accomplish. Or not accomplish as the case may be.

Society tells us we should want to find a nice person to settle down with, buy a cute house and have 2.3 kids. Granted things have changed. It's much more accepted for those 2.3 kids have 2.0 mommies or daddies today than ever before and couples in common law relationships (living together but not married) share most of the same right as married people. I know there's plenty of people out there who feel marriage isn't right for them, but does a relationship need a significant milestone to be complete?

I was like most young girls. I would daydream all the time about my perfect wedding. The dress I wanted, where it would be, I even had a date picked out. I wanted it all....except the marriage part. I still don't, really. I also don't want to have kids so I've eliminated 2 relationships goals right there.

I think I tend to believe, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But let's take it a step further. What if you not only don't plan on marrying or having kids but also don't feel the need to move in together. Can a relationship last indefinitely as boyfriend and girlfriend? Some people say if you're not moving forward, you're moving backwards. Well, what if you just want to stand still? I'd never thought about it before. In every relationship I've been in over the last 20 years, I always assumed there had to come a point where you 'took things to the next level', whatever that meant in that situation. Honestly, the idea of not having to ever be more than I am right now is somewhat freeing to me. No pressure which means no feeling like a failure somehow for not wanting what the world says I should.

I have no idea if I'll change my mind on all this one day. Maybe 5 years from now I'll be pregnant and walking down the aisle. I somehow doubt it, but you never know. For now, I'll be enjoying it all as it comes to me while I stand still.

I've always wanted to write a book...

But I figured until the book is done, I'll start a blog. Something of a pre-book, if you will. Mostly this will act as my not-so-private journal as I recall my experiences with long distance relationships and internet dating, reflect on what I've learned and think out loud about my current relationship.

I'll be updating this regularly with tidbits from my everyday life and snippets that will be in my book. This is where I'm planning to do all my brainstorming and first drafting so expect a lot cursing and debating on whether something is too graphic to recount.

So then, a little about myself....I'm a 34 year old woman with a significant domination streak who's been around the block a time or three. I'm currently in a LDR with an amazing man who lives roughly 1500 miles away from. We are extremely happy and in love. How is that possible? How does that work? Does it work at all?

Guess you'll just have to follow my exploits to find out ;)