Sunday, September 5, 2010

Polyamorous Ponderings...

I've been reading a lot about polyamory lately. As someone who has always been the 'jealous type', I've never believed it was something I could ever handle. I'm still not sure I could, but I do understand my feelings about it now. My jealousy issues have stemmed from the fact that I've been cheated on a number of times. That's nothing unusual, how many people haven't cheated or been cheated on at some point? But while reading and thinking about it, I've come to realize that I blame myself for the demise of every significant relationship I've ever been in. Anytime I was ever cheated on and had a boyfriend break up with me, I'd get angry and upset. Both very natural reactions. I'm seeing now though, that not all of my anger was at them. I would be angry at myself for somehow not being good enough to make them stay with me. Terrible, I know and if it got out I'm sure I'd be lynched by some pissed off feminists, but it's true. I've mentioned before that I'm currently in a relationship. What I didn't mention is that, for the first time in my life, I'm just being myself. I've always felt I had to be whoever the guy wanted me to be. That no one would want me as a saw myself: a freak. I had fantasies and desires I was positive would make any sane man run screaming from me. So for 20 years, I faked it. Then as soon as I reached a point where I felt like I was too damn old to be faking anymore, I met a man who loves me for me. That makes me believe that I'm enough. That anything is possible.

But not quite polyamory. Yet ;)

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