Turns out it's not as simple as that after all. I've discovered a lot of things about myself since I started writing my book and I thought I was prepared to do it. As it turns out, I was wrong. In my initial excitement, I never really considered a possible downside. I expected to write it all out while reminiscing about good times and bad, laughter and tears and things that I had gotten over years ago. As I'm learning now, being able to look back at something without being sad or angry or upset doesn't mean you're over it. I'm realizing now how many things I thought I was over still affect me in my life today. The biggest one being, that as much as I can laugh at my exes and blame them for our breakups and say how much better off I am now, the truth is deep down, I've always blamed myself. I would never consciously admit it, but I've always felt like I was never good enough because if I had've been...well, maybe I wouldn't have so many exes.
The other thing I've discovered is how much shame I have over certain things. Shame for things I let happen to me, that I wouldn't or couldn't put an end to and because of that, I have trust and self esteem issues today. If only I knew then what I know now...
I'm a really open person. No conversation topic is off limits with me and I don't embarrass easily. But after spending so much time looking back lately, there's a lot of things I've kept hidden, even from my closest friends. Someone once told me that shame thrives in the darkness and dissipates in the light. I think it's time I exposed my shame.
By no means am I doing this is a 'poor me' way. I know there, unfortunately, are countless women out there who have dealt with much worse and I admire and applaud them for their bravery in surviving. I'm just hoping that by getting these things out, some after 20 years, that maybe I can finally put my demons behind me.
This is by far that hardest thing I've ever tried to write. Here goes...
My very first boyfriend, P, cheated on my several times over roughly 2 years. I remember three excuses he gave me. "I was drunk." "Look at her body, how could I turn her down?" "She was prettier than you."
I thought that S really cared about me. It turned out I was a game to him. That he could find any girl and convince her he was falling for her. He did.
B used to tell me I needed to lose weight and how embarrassed he was to be seen with someone so fat. While he hit me.
K left me after nearly 4 years for a girl who was nearly 400lbs.
K2 would never admit we were together. Despite the fact that for all intents and purposes we were. Again, for nearly 4 years. Until the day he came to my house, just before my birthday, to tell me he had a girlfriend. Then asked if he could bring her to my party.
J found me at my lowest point. He told me everything I needed to hear, how beautiful and sexy and worthwhile I was. He also had a girlfriend. He strung me along for months ending it then coming back to me. Always saying the right thing until my self esteem was dependent on him. He would never admit to anyone that we were even friends in case his gf got suspicious. He got off on trying to turn me into a whore for his amusement. One night I actually had his cock in my mouth then 2 hours later I was hugging his gf upon meeting her. He made me feel like the scum of the earth. It finally ended when I found out through a mutual friend that he had proposed to his gf.
J2 flirted with me for a long time before we got together. He made me feel like he loved me, inside and out. Then I found out he had a girlfriend since we first met. Who was 5 months pregnant.
I've been writing this for over an hour now. So many things I've deleted only to retype them. This is everything. Everything I've kept hidden from subsequent boyfriends, everything I've buried, everything I've denied and everything I've even lied to myself about having happened. As soon as I hit publish, it's all gong to be out there for the world to see. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. But keeping it all inside for the last 20 years damn sure hasn't helped me any. Here's hoping exposing it to the light really does make it dissipate.