Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Just Because You're Paranoid, Don't Mean They're Not After You....

Ok, maybe a tad melodramatic, but if you haven't noticed yet, I like to title my posts after song lyrics. Good ol' Nirvana.

Anyway, I'm a big believer in making things have meaning. I think that if something bad happens to you and you can't extract some sort of meaning or lesson out of it, you'll never completely move on from it. I've struggled with depression for 16 years. It's a mental illness, yes, but it's also a disease. Mine, to the best of my doctor's knowledge, is strictly chemical. I liken it to diabetes. A diabetic's blood sugar goes up and down, causes mental and physical problems when it does and they take pills or insulin daily to keep the levels stable. So do I. My seratonin (mainly) levels can fluctuate and cause me mental and physical problems and I take a pill a day to keep them stable. When I recovered from my first episode, which took nearly 2 years, I had some difficulty dealing with what I had been through. It took a really long time for me to accept it all and to realize it had changed me. Then I had a choice. I could wallow that it happened or I could use it for me. Now by no means am I saying it was easy, but I chose to see it like this: it happened and I can't go back and make it not happen. This is me now so let's work with it. I decided to turn what was probably the worst experience/years of my life into a positive. I believe now that I went through hell.....and believe me, it was that I could help other people going through it now. To me it gives it meaning. It didn't just happen and ruin my life. I've talked to countless people in the last decade about depression. Trying to offer support, help and just be there for them. If I've managed to help a single person feel like they aren't alone and someone does understand what they're going through, well then it was all worth it.

Wow, that was long winded. But I do have a point. I've been asked by people who know how I view things what I can possibly take out of my breakup. It came out of nowhere, I thought we were completely in love and happy and, admittedly, when I found out what had been going on, it was like a punch in the face. With a shovel.

What can I possibly take out of that as a positive? This.

Always trust your gut. Since early August I had been saying to my closest friends that something wasn't right. At times, he seemed like a stranger to me. He even sounded different. I knew something was up. I tried to talk to him to find out what it was but all he'd say was he was tired and stressed. Well he'd been that for our entire relationship. Something had changed, something was different, something had happened. I didn't know what. I still don't, really. But I knew in my gut, in my heart and in my soul that something was wrong.

And I, sadly, was right.

Ladies, when you know something, I mean truly KNOW that things just aren't the same, trust it. I've always believed in intuition. Not women's intuition. MY intuition. If you can't trust your gut, what can you trust? Don't let anyone, especially the object of your intuition tell you otherwise. Look for answers, ask questions, but trust in yourself always. You know more than you think.

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