Monday, September 13, 2010

It Only Hurts When I Laugh.....

One of the worst parts right now is that he had become such a huge part of my life and I miss that. We were always friends first and as much as it hurts right now to not have my boyfriend and lover, it hurts worse to not have my friend. When anything happened, good or bad, he had become my go to person. So many times in the last few days, I've seen or heard something and thought to myself, "Oh man, I should totally text him this." But I can't. Or at least I don't feel like I can yet.

We had our first communication today. Nothing significant but it kind of made me feel better to get it out of the way. Like, up to that point, it felt like I had this huge black cloud hanging over my head. Now it's only gray.

I miss him. I know I shouldn't say that but it's true. I mean, short of finding out you're in love with a serial killer, feelings don't just go away. It would be so much easier if they did. I still love him. I'm angry and hurt but I still love him.

I'm waiting to get answers. It's probably going to be a little longer due to some unfortunate circumstances. That really sucks on a few levels. I want to find out where we stand. I mean, I know we're over. How can we not be? But I'm trying to figure out if there's anything that can be salvaged. Honestly, I hope so. I hope when we talk, he's honest with me. I'll know if he's not. But I'm hoping against hope right now that he'll be honest and tell me everything so, at some point, we can be friends.

So one day, when I think, "Oh man, I should totally text him this.", I can and will.

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