Thursday, October 14, 2010

Tell Me What It Takes To Let You Go....

Time for a little more demon exorcising in hopes that maybe I can figure some stuff out. My ex is still in my head. Sometimes I'm ok with it, sometimes I hate it with a rage of a thousand suns. But he still lives in there, at least part time.

We were together for over 7 months and he told me countless times he was an old man (32) who just wanted to settle down and be with me. He told me regularly that we were in this for the long haul. That he wanted me and me alone and was too old and tired to cheat and never wanted to. We talked about growing old together.

Despite all that, about a month from the end, something in him changed. He was briefly hospitalized for 'exhaustion' and was never the same with me after that. There were flickers and glimmers of the man I was in love with but for the most part, he was distant, detached. Whole days would go by without us talking including stretches of 3 and 4. He even sounded different to me. I knew something was going on, I just didn't know what.

Until a friend told me he had found a profile for him on 2 different kink personals sites. Both advertising he was single. Both looking for a relationship.

When I tried to confront him, he told me 'this won't work out' if I was going to suspicious of him. When I told him about the sites, he said it was no big deal and we would talk about it. It took a week for him to finally get back to me to talk.

During the conversation, he lied to me and then got angry. He hung up on me twice. When I asked him to assume I knew everything and just tell me the truth he said no, tell me what you know. When I caught him in lies, he called me a liar and an asshole for it. He said nothing he did was wrong and he did it out of exhaustion and stress. He said it didn't matter because nothing on the internet is real. He threw another fit and hung up on me for a second time. I didn't call back.

Despite all of this, he still hangs around in my head. Despite all of this, sometimes I'm ok that he still hangs around in my head.

After reading all this back, I think it's eviction time. Pack your shit and get the fuck out :)

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