Saturday, October 30, 2010

Scars Are Souvenirs You Never Lose, The Past Is Never Far....

So I had one of those feelings that yesterday was something. I knew the day had some sort of significance to me but I couldn't think of what it was. I'm excellent with remembering dates so I was sure it wasn't a birthday or anniversary. It nagged me most of the afternoon until I happened to drive past a big digital sign outside of an office building and saw the date on it. Then it hit me.

October 29th 1998 was the day I ended my first real, long term relationship. We had been together since November 29th 1994. This is the relationship I talked about in my book stuff, LDR #1. It didn't really affect me anyway except I was happy to have remembered what was bugging me about the day.

About that breakup. My ex had been cheating on me with my then best friend of 14 years. I found out, had it out with both of them and that was the end of both of them in my life. Obviously at the time, it was devastating. I lost two of the most important people in my life in one fell swoop and it left me without the one who I always went to with my problems. But I eventually got over it and moved on.

I haven't talked to either of them since but I wouldn't mind to now. I wouldn't go out of my way to, but if we ever crossed paths, I'd probably say hi. I blame them both equally for what happened, they both betrayed me and my love for them and broke my heart.

Funny thing though. For maybe the last eight or so years, I've dreamt of them fairly often. Like, probably once a week kind of often. It's usually her and it's usually a normal situation in my current where her and I just happen to still be friends. When I dream of him, I'm usually angry and repulsed by him. We're still in a relationship but I clearly want nothing to do with him. I've always found that funny how my subconscious seems to play favourites between them.

So anyways, I get home from work last night and took a nap. I dreamt that I was visiting my ex at his parents place where I used to spend weekends with him. But this time it was different. We were happy and laughing and generally having a good time hanging out and when I left, I specifically referred to him as my ex-boyfriend. Then I woke up.

Like the title says, the past is never far away, but sometimes, it's far enough. And while you never do lose your scars, after 12 years, they certainly fade.

No comments:

Post a Comment