Never gonna stop, give it up. Such a dirty mind....

My Sharona by the Kinks. Kinks, kinky. See what I did there?

Sigh, nevermind.

Anyhoo, I thought it was about time I gave an update on the kink site I joined. Things are going very well and I've met a lot of very nice people. More importantly though, I've learned a TON.

One thing that's hit me time and time again in the month or so I've been on there is how many things from my last relationship make more sense to me now. I really just didn't get it before. I had an idea, sure. But I have a much firmer grasp and understanding of things now. I kind of wish I'd have the chance to talk to my ex again about this stuff. It would be interesting to say the least.

I've also learned a lot about myself. For instance, years back, the very first things I learned about kink was through being an online sub to a friend. For years that stuck with me and I definitely have submissive leanings and desires. Then with my ex, I became something of a domme by default. I enjoy both. Once I got on the site, I immediately assumed I was a switch. After doing a lot of reading and asking questions, I see now that I definitely lean more towards topping and bottoming than doming and subbing. While I have no problem subbing, I have definite limits. Not just Hard limits, but I'm more of a bedroom sub than a lifestyle one.

As for topping/domming one of the most interesting things I've figured out is my forte seems to be ownership. I've discovered I really enjoy pet play and would much rather have a pet than a slave. I'm a very affection, protective person and that just fits so well with pets. It's funny, I indulged in pet play with the ex without really noticing. He was my puppy. It was a nickname, yeah, but it was also a cue that it was playtime and I was feeling controlling and he better be ready to obey me. I have a kitty now. A very sweet boy who couldn't be anything but a kitten.

I've learned I'm absolutely a sensual domme/top/owner/sub/bottom. I have no interest or desire for pain and punishment (other than teasing and denial) and that doesn't make me any less than the next kinky person. I used to feel like I somehow wasn't 'real' because I didn't want or want to inflict pain. Now I know it's all about what fits you.

So yeah. Things are going very well. Met some great, helpful people and make some new friends. Mission accomplished.

I guess that means it's time for a new mission ;)

LDR # 4....Yes, I'm Skipping 3 For Now....

#4 and I met, online first, through mutual friends....namely #3. We hit it off right away as great friends. We had similiar senses of humour and just got along really well. We talked regularly online for close to a year before we met. He lived in NYC where a number of my friends lived. I hadn't seen them in a while so in December of 2007, I decided a visit was long over due.

One of my best friends lives on LI, so I let him know I'd be coming down, but I wanted it to be a surprise for everyone else. Well, almost everyone else.

See, one of the people I was looking forward to seeing just happened to be #3. I let him know I was coming down, was looking forward to seeing him and MIGHT need a place to stay (I was dropping hints the size of Montana). He was happy to hear I would be visiting but let me know that he had started seeing someone. At the risk of spoiling the ending to Chapter LDR #3, he told me that him and a girl he had been sleeping with off and on while him and I were together (I knew all about it, we really had no strings) had gotten more serious and decided to take a shot at actually dating. I was disappointed for sure, he had always made me feel wonderful about myself, but I understood. I'll admit now that I had a bit of a problem with her in times past. I always felt that she was prettier and sexier than me and I was jealous that she was closer and got to spend more time with him than I did. But I told him then....and I meant it...that I was happy for him. He was the first guy who never lied to me about anything. He did, and does, value honesty above all else. It also didn't take long for me to realize what a smart, sweet and all around great girl she really is. They're still together today and they make a much better pair than him and I would've.

Without him to worry about, I felt like I really had a chance to see if there was anything between 4 and me. My best friend and I concocted a plan to get a bunch of my friends together for dinner in the city. They all met up at Penn Station where I snuck up on and surprised them. It was so great, people were surprised and happy to see me and I realized how much I missed my friends. 4 and I shared a huge hug and he was thrilled that I was there. We had a great dinner then headed to Rockefellar Center to see the Christmas tree. It was a beautiful night. I had fun with everyone but it was so nice to be with him. We held hands and hugged a lot. When the night was over, we all said our goodbyes until the next day.

The next day, my best friend and I met up with him at Penn again. I absolutely LOVE Christmas. I live all year round for it. So I couldn't possibly be in NYC at that time of year and not go to Macy's.

For anyone who doesn't know, Macy's department store in Manhatten is HUGE. Like, a full city block kind of huge. And they devote roughly half of an entire floor to their Christmas and Santa set. It's called Santaland and is this unbelievable maze of trees and decorations and huge displays. It meant a lot to me to be able to share that with them. Him and I got our picture taken with Santa which I still have in a frame on a shelf.

After that we headed to Brooklyn to meet up with friends at a bar. We had a great night with lots more hand holding and many a cuddle. The evening ended back where it began at Penn only we were much tipsyier this time. We hugged for a long time. I was so glad to have gone and finally met him and I definitely felt something. I was leaving the next morning and knew I wouldn't be back for months anyway. I was so torn over kissing him but finally didn't. With one last hug and a kiss on the cheek, we parted ways.

I regretted it immediately.

Once I got back to my friend's place, I texted him. We chatted a bit and I told him I wanted to kiss him. He got mad at himself because he wanted to kiss me too but wasn't sure if he should. We both laughed at what idiots we were and said next time not having the slightest clue when next time would be.

That was my favourite trip to NYC....

TBC.

Scars Are Souvenirs You Never Lose, The Past Is Never Far....

So I had one of those feelings that yesterday was something. I knew the day had some sort of significance to me but I couldn't think of what it was. I'm excellent with remembering dates so I was sure it wasn't a birthday or anniversary. It nagged me most of the afternoon until I happened to drive past a big digital sign outside of an office building and saw the date on it. Then it hit me.

October 29th 1998 was the day I ended my first real, long term relationship. We had been together since November 29th 1994. This is the relationship I talked about in my book stuff, LDR #1. It didn't really affect me anyway except I was happy to have remembered what was bugging me about the day.

About that breakup. My ex had been cheating on me with my then best friend of 14 years. I found out, had it out with both of them and that was the end of both of them in my life. Obviously at the time, it was devastating. I lost two of the most important people in my life in one fell swoop and it left me without the one who I always went to with my problems. But I eventually got over it and moved on.

I haven't talked to either of them since but I wouldn't mind to now. I wouldn't go out of my way to, but if we ever crossed paths, I'd probably say hi. I blame them both equally for what happened, they both betrayed me and my love for them and broke my heart.

Funny thing though. For maybe the last eight or so years, I've dreamt of them fairly often. Like, probably once a week kind of often. It's usually her and it's usually a normal situation in my current where her and I just happen to still be friends. When I dream of him, I'm usually angry and repulsed by him. We're still in a relationship but I clearly want nothing to do with him. I've always found that funny how my subconscious seems to play favourites between them.

So anyways, I get home from work last night and took a nap. I dreamt that I was visiting my ex at his parents place where I used to spend weekends with him. But this time it was different. We were happy and laughing and generally having a good time hanging out and when I left, I specifically referred to him as my ex-boyfriend. Then I woke up.

Like the title says, the past is never far away, but sometimes, it's far enough. And while you never do lose your scars, after 12 years, they certainly fade.

Book Stuff: LDR #2

This was my first foray back into the world of long distance relationships. Also, my virgin voyage into internet dating. It was all completely accidental. I had vaguely known him from a message board I was a member of for about a year. Our only real contact up to that point had been him coming to my virtual rescue against a message board bully who has targeted me. I had always been touched by that. That he had stuck up for someone he barely knew simply because he felt I was being wronged. I thanked him when it happened and asked why he did it. He was incredibly sweet and told me he could tell from the way I had treated other people and carried myself online that I didn't deserve the abuse I was getting. It meant so much to me when he said that. I considered him a friend after that despite the fact that we only traded a messaged hello or two for about seven months after that.

One night I was instant messaging with a couple friends when I saw him sign on. I hadn't talked to him in months, so I happily sent him a hello. He replied somewhat more sedately than he usually was and I asked him how he was. It turned out it was his birthday.
Excited to discover that, I wished him a very happy birthday and asked how he had celebrated it. He hadn't. I asked him why not and if everything was ok. Turned out, he had recently broken up with his long time live in girlfriend and basically spent the day alone. I felt terrible for him and decided to myself that I needed to do something that make him feel a bit better, even if it was just for a couple hours.

I asked him if he needed someone to talk to about all he was going through and that I was happy to listen if he did. He told me a little of what had happened between them but I didn't push the issue. I mean, we were casual online aquaintances at best and not everyone is comfortable opening up to a stranger. When I felt him talking about it all was doing more harm than good, I tried to steer the subject in other directions. We casually talked about the board we had met on then the conversation slowly evolved into getting to know each other better. That first conversation online lasted seven hours. We covered, life, love, mutual friends, family, jobs, hobbies and anything else we could think of. I can remember at one point thinking, "wow, this is like the best first date I've ever had". If we began the night as aquaintances, we most certainly ended it as good friends....if not more. We just instanly clicked. The conversation flowed smoothly, we got each other's humour and I accomplished my goal: for a few hours, he'd forgotten about the heartache he'd been going through and was able to laugh and enjoy his birthday. I should probably mention what else made the night special. He lives overseas and is five hours ahead of me. It was already well after midnight his time when we began talking late morning when we finally said goodnight. Somewhere in the middle of it all, we reminiced a bit about the first time we had noticed each other online. As it turned out, he had known, and liked me (platonically), for quite a while. He thought I was funny and clever and kind. I was so flattered. I told him I had liked him as well and somewhere in the midst of all that, I'm fairly sure there was a bit of flirting. Very harmless, casual, giggly school kids flirting, but nonetheless. We had a wonderful night together and part of why it went on so long was simply that neither of us wanted it to end.

We Can Dance, We Can Dance, Everybody Look At Your Pants....

Thank you Homer Simpson. Please don't sue me Matt Groening.

Now then, safety first...

No one wants to think their new sweetie is a deranged serial killer and, frankly, they probably aren't. Personal safety is never a fun thing to have to think about when you're in the throes of a thriving new relationship. It forces you to pay attention to things that happen in the Real World and consider the fact that, despite all evidence to the contrary, the object of your new found affection might not actually be perfect.

We've all heard the horror stores: women falling for the man of their dreams online only to discover he's more of a nightmare. It's not an uncommon occurrence to see stories on the news or in the papers about these situations and daytime talk shows seem to thrive on them. People of all ages, races and religions have been scammed out of money and possessions, assaulted, raped and killed by someone they thought they were in love with. It can happen to anyone at anytime. The trick is to take sufficient actions to make sure it doesn't happen to you.

Now I'm not ripping on the internet here, these things happen in Real World relationships too. In fact, five years ago, I met a nice guy at a show. He seemed pleasant and friendly and asked me out. I said yes and we went to dinner. Now, I was raised to always err on the side of caution. I knew nothing about this guy, so I had him pick me up at a mall near my place and drop me off at a coffee shop. A bit of the paranoid side maybe, but my motto is Better Safe Than Sorry. Real original, I know. Anyway, we went for a nice dinner and hung out at the boardwalk. He seemed like a decent guy with a good job and swell life but I didn't feel any sort of spark for him and somewhere around dessert, decided this would be our only date. At the end of the night, I thanked him for a nice time and gave him a hug. After a week or so of dropping constant hints to him that I wasn't interest, he stopped emailing. And that was that.

Except it wasn't. Seven months later, I got an email from him. A very threatening email. It had been sent to several people and I was one of the lucky ones. I contacted the police who quickly found his work and address and kept an eye on his for me. I chose not to take any legal action. For one, it wouldn't have been difficult for a lawyer to argue he meant nothing by it and it, and he, was harmless. For two, you just don't poke the bear. This guy remembered me and not fondly. If I got threats for not wanting a second date, what would pressing charges get me? I was not willing to find out. Plus, I discovered through the officers handling my case that he lived about 45 minutes away from me. Between that and knowing he didn't know where I lived, I felt safe enough. The police were extremely helpful. They kept an eye on his home and work and told me to stay in contact with them and report any further communication. I got a few more emails over the next year (all sent to several people) then nothing else. Actually, not quite nothing. I got a friend request from him on a social networking site. He had searched for me using my email address. Needless to say he was quickly denied and blocked and I reported him as someone who was contacting me after having been investigated for stalking me. Which brings me to Safety Tip #1: Learn how to block people on every communicative site you're on, from social sites to email and everything in between. Learn how to control the privacy settings so only people you know and trust are able to find out your personal info. And never be afraid to say 'no'. It's amazing how many women I've talked to who feel like they're being rude for declining a friend request or blocking a person. Well, I'd rather be rude than stalked or worse, but that's just me.

Tell Me What It Takes To Let You Go....

Time for a little more demon exorcising in hopes that maybe I can figure some stuff out. My ex is still in my head. Sometimes I'm ok with it, sometimes I hate it with a rage of a thousand suns. But he still lives in there, at least part time.

We were together for over 7 months and he told me countless times he was an old man (32) who just wanted to settle down and be with me. He told me regularly that we were in this for the long haul. That he wanted me and me alone and was too old and tired to cheat and never wanted to. We talked about growing old together.

Despite all that, about a month from the end, something in him changed. He was briefly hospitalized for 'exhaustion' and was never the same with me after that. There were flickers and glimmers of the man I was in love with but for the most part, he was distant, detached. Whole days would go by without us talking including stretches of 3 and 4. He even sounded different to me. I knew something was going on, I just didn't know what.

Until a friend told me he had found a profile for him on 2 different kink personals sites. Both advertising he was single. Both looking for a relationship.

When I tried to confront him, he told me 'this won't work out' if I was going to suspicious of him. When I told him about the sites, he said it was no big deal and we would talk about it. It took a week for him to finally get back to me to talk.

During the conversation, he lied to me and then got angry. He hung up on me twice. When I asked him to assume I knew everything and just tell me the truth he said no, tell me what you know. When I caught him in lies, he called me a liar and an asshole for it. He said nothing he did was wrong and he did it out of exhaustion and stress. He said it didn't matter because nothing on the internet is real. He threw another fit and hung up on me for a second time. I didn't call back.

Despite all of this, he still hangs around in my head. Despite all of this, sometimes I'm ok that he still hangs around in my head.

After reading all this back, I think it's eviction time. Pack your shit and get the fuck out :)

Love Is a State Of Insanity....

So I've been on the new kink site for a few days now and I must say, I'm really happy there. It's funny, I was so nervous to sign up but everyone I've talked to has been so friendly and helpful. I'm feeling a much stronger connection with my kink side and I've learned that I spent too much time worrying about titles and inadvertantly comparing myself to other kinksters. I know what I want more than ever now and that just because it doesn't involve me wanting any kink/BDSM/sub/dom stuff to be super serious all the time, doesn't make it any less valid. So yeah, things there are going swimmingly.

I found one thing rather unusual though. Everyone there has been exceedingly friendly and polite. I actually feel safer on there than I do on vanilla sites! Is it just me or do guys on regular sites have no respect (for themselves or women), tact and any sense of how to talk to a woman? Here's a few examples of message I've received in the last few days.

Kink: hi anytime you need help just ask.
Facebook: Oh yes you do have an awsome rack baby!!!

Kink: Hi, Just saying hello, really :) If you want to chat about any aspect of the lifestyle, ask any questions etc, feel free to contact me as I may be able to help.
FB: you have very sexy and wonderful boobs...

Kink: I'm not sure if I am what you are looking for but I would love to chat some more and perhaps help each other in each others journey of discovery into what we would like to discover in this alternative lifestyle.
FB: I like watching porn and jacking off while watching it,then lick my own come...also like to suck on my friends cock...we do it sometimes...just sucking and stroking each other...not sex

Notice a trend? The people on a kink/fetish site with a personals section for meeting people have all been polite, thoughtful and helpful. The guys on facebook, where I'm only there to play Mafia Wars and poke my friends, seem to think these are perfectly acceptable ways to address a stranger. What the hell??? Are guys really this stupid or is facebook just a black hole of intelligence where manners and decency get checked at the door? Extremely off-putting.

If anyone needs me, I'll be hanging out with the grown-ups on the kink site. If only I could sic my Mafia on these douchebags while I'm there.