Scars Are Souvenirs You Never Lose, The Past Is Never Far....

So I had one of those feelings that yesterday was something. I knew the day had some sort of significance to me but I couldn't think of what it was. I'm excellent with remembering dates so I was sure it wasn't a birthday or anniversary. It nagged me most of the afternoon until I happened to drive past a big digital sign outside of an office building and saw the date on it. Then it hit me.

October 29th 1998 was the day I ended my first real, long term relationship. We had been together since November 29th 1994. This is the relationship I talked about in my book stuff, LDR #1. It didn't really affect me anyway except I was happy to have remembered what was bugging me about the day.

About that breakup. My ex had been cheating on me with my then best friend of 14 years. I found out, had it out with both of them and that was the end of both of them in my life. Obviously at the time, it was devastating. I lost two of the most important people in my life in one fell swoop and it left me without the one who I always went to with my problems. But I eventually got over it and moved on.

I haven't talked to either of them since but I wouldn't mind to now. I wouldn't go out of my way to, but if we ever crossed paths, I'd probably say hi. I blame them both equally for what happened, they both betrayed me and my love for them and broke my heart.

Funny thing though. For maybe the last eight or so years, I've dreamt of them fairly often. Like, probably once a week kind of often. It's usually her and it's usually a normal situation in my current where her and I just happen to still be friends. When I dream of him, I'm usually angry and repulsed by him. We're still in a relationship but I clearly want nothing to do with him. I've always found that funny how my subconscious seems to play favourites between them.

So anyways, I get home from work last night and took a nap. I dreamt that I was visiting my ex at his parents place where I used to spend weekends with him. But this time it was different. We were happy and laughing and generally having a good time hanging out and when I left, I specifically referred to him as my ex-boyfriend. Then I woke up.

Like the title says, the past is never far away, but sometimes, it's far enough. And while you never do lose your scars, after 12 years, they certainly fade.

I Don't Know If I've Ever Been Really Loved By a Hand That's Touched Me....

So since I started writing this, I've been debating how much to include. I'm pretty much an open book, that's not the issue. I just don't want anything I share to come off as gratuitous. I certainly have nothing against erotica and porn but this is my real life I'm sharing here. Not that some of it couldn't pass for erotica and porn, I just wasn't sure it should.

Recent events have made me think long and hard about a couple things. One is honesty. While I don't believe it's always necessarily the best policy, (hurting someone's feelings over something small and unimportant is needless) I do believe it's crucial in relationships. Two specifically. One with your lover and one with yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself about who you are, your feelings, beliefs...you'll never be truly comfortable with yourself. And Much like love, you can't really be happy with anyone else until you're happy and comfortable with yourself.

This past year, a lot of things have changed for me. I met someone that allowed me to, for the first time in my life, be me. The real me. The me I''d always been ashamed of and terrified people would find out about. He embraced it, loved it and in turn made me embrace and love myself too.

That was one of the most upsetting things for me about our recent breakup. I know how irrational it is, but in the mind of a heartbroken woman, ration and reason have no place. I was horrified because I felt like without him, I was going to have to go back to how I used to be. In denial, faking my way through life and relationships. Going back to trying to be when guys want me to be and not who I am. Then I decided that didn't have to happen. Sure, I'd have to do stuff on my own and figure things out for myself, which honestly scares the shit out of me. But just because I lost him doesn't mean I have to lose the Me he helped me release.

So this is me: I'm a kinkster and a romantic. I love presents and flowers and teddy bears and cuffs and leather and chains. I like to cuddle and snuggle and make love and dominate and submit and rape. I like honey and baby and sweetheart and bitch and slave and dog. I like to cause and cry tears of happiness and tears of agony. I like inflicted pain kissed and made better. I like hugs and bondage. I like exerting my will and have it surpressed. I like having depraved things done to me while sweet things are said to me. I want it all and I want them all to expressions of deep, honest, passionate love.

So this is me and I can only hope that somewhere out there is a person who I will simply fit with and they will fit with me and we'll both be able to have it all. Together.

Just Because You're Paranoid, Don't Mean They're Not After You....

Ok, maybe a tad melodramatic, but if you haven't noticed yet, I like to title my posts after song lyrics. Good ol' Nirvana.

Anyway, I'm a big believer in making things have meaning. I think that if something bad happens to you and you can't extract some sort of meaning or lesson out of it, you'll never completely move on from it. I've struggled with depression for 16 years. It's a mental illness, yes, but it's also a disease. Mine, to the best of my doctor's knowledge, is strictly chemical. I liken it to diabetes. A diabetic's blood sugar goes up and down, causes mental and physical problems when it does and they take pills or insulin daily to keep the levels stable. So do I. My seratonin (mainly) levels can fluctuate and cause me mental and physical problems and I take a pill a day to keep them stable. When I recovered from my first episode, which took nearly 2 years, I had some difficulty dealing with what I had been through. It took a really long time for me to accept it all and to realize it had changed me. Then I had a choice. I could wallow that it happened or I could use it for me. Now by no means am I saying it was easy, but I chose to see it like this: it happened and I can't go back and make it not happen. This is me now so let's work with it. I decided to turn what was probably the worst experience/years of my life into a positive. I believe now that I went through hell.....and believe me, it was HELL....so that I could help other people going through it now. To me it gives it meaning. It didn't just happen and ruin my life. I've talked to countless people in the last decade about depression. Trying to offer support, help and just be there for them. If I've managed to help a single person feel like they aren't alone and someone does understand what they're going through, well then it was all worth it.

Wow, that was long winded. But I do have a point. I've been asked by people who know how I view things what I can possibly take out of my breakup. It came out of nowhere, I thought we were completely in love and happy and, admittedly, when I found out what had been going on, it was like a punch in the face. With a shovel.

What can I possibly take out of that as a positive? This.

Always trust your gut. Since early August I had been saying to my closest friends that something wasn't right. At times, he seemed like a stranger to me. He even sounded different. I knew something was up. I tried to talk to him to find out what it was but all he'd say was he was tired and stressed. Well he'd been that for our entire relationship. Something had changed, something was different, something had happened. I didn't know what. I still don't, really. But I knew in my gut, in my heart and in my soul that something was wrong.

And I, sadly, was right.

Ladies, when you know something, I mean truly KNOW that things just aren't the same, trust it. I've always believed in intuition. Not women's intuition. MY intuition. If you can't trust your gut, what can you trust? Don't let anyone, especially the object of your intuition tell you otherwise. Look for answers, ask questions, but trust in yourself always. You know more than you think.

Thank You....

To everyone who has commented here, im'ed, pm'ed, emailed and otherwise contacted me about this blog. It means so much to me that it's somehow touching the people who've read it. That's what I was really hoping it would do. That maybe someone out there would recognize a bit of themselves in here and feel comforted that someone else has gone through the same fucked up bullshit haha.

But seriously, the kind words have really had an impact on me and helped get me through the last few weeks. I'm not ready yet to reveal any of the details of my breakup just yet, but I will be posting more ramblings and potential chapters soon.

Thank you all again <3

Lesson Learned....

I used to say that I wasn't the girl guys dated. I was the girl guys cheated with. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of in my life and yes, I've been the other woman. It doesn't matter why or how or anything else, really. I did it.

But never again.

Lesson learned, Karma. Lesson learned.

The Reports of My Demise....

Sorry for the lack of updates. It's been a really weird week. It never occurred to me when I started writing that my last chapter would have an ending. I'm sad for the loss of my relationship. At one point, I might've used the word devastated. It came out of nowhere, to me at least. I've wondered if I was being naive or just in love. Is there even a difference? Either way, while I am sad, I've decided to simply look back fondly at the fun, silly and happy times we had. I still care. Pesky feelings and not having a switch to turn them off and on. But like I said, I'm just going to look back fondly and be happy for the time we had together. I'm a much different person than I was at the beginning of the year. Happier, freer, and much more at peace with myself and he was instrumental in all of it. For that, I will always be grateful.

I haven't done much writing since it happened. I'm quite curious as to how it's going to affect my position and view point on the subjects I haven't tackled yet. I guess we'll find out together....