My Sharona by the Kinks. Kinks, kinky. See what I did there?
Sigh, nevermind.
Anyhoo, I thought it was about time I gave an update on the kink site I joined. Things are going very well and I've met a lot of very nice people. More importantly though, I've learned a TON.
One thing that's hit me time and time again in the month or so I've been on there is how many things from my last relationship make more sense to me now. I really just didn't get it before. I had an idea, sure. But I have a much firmer grasp and understanding of things now. I kind of wish I'd have the chance to talk to my ex again about this stuff. It would be interesting to say the least.
I've also learned a lot about myself. For instance, years back, the very first things I learned about kink was through being an online sub to a friend. For years that stuck with me and I definitely have submissive leanings and desires. Then with my ex, I became something of a domme by default. I enjoy both. Once I got on the site, I immediately assumed I was a switch. After doing a lot of reading and asking questions, I see now that I definitely lean more towards topping and bottoming than doming and subbing. While I have no problem subbing, I have definite limits. Not just Hard limits, but I'm more of a bedroom sub than a lifestyle one.
As for topping/domming one of the most interesting things I've figured out is my forte seems to be ownership. I've discovered I really enjoy pet play and would much rather have a pet than a slave. I'm a very affection, protective person and that just fits so well with pets. It's funny, I indulged in pet play with the ex without really noticing. He was my puppy. It was a nickname, yeah, but it was also a cue that it was playtime and I was feeling controlling and he better be ready to obey me. I have a kitty now. A very sweet boy who couldn't be anything but a kitten.
I've learned I'm absolutely a sensual domme/top/owner/sub/bottom. I have no interest or desire for pain and punishment (other than teasing and denial) and that doesn't make me any less than the next kinky person. I used to feel like I somehow wasn't 'real' because I didn't want or want to inflict pain. Now I know it's all about what fits you.
So yeah. Things are going very well. Met some great, helpful people and make some new friends. Mission accomplished.
I guess that means it's time for a new mission ;)
Showing posts with label kink. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kink. Show all posts
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tell Me What It Takes To Let You Go....
Time for a little more demon exorcising in hopes that maybe I can figure some stuff out. My ex is still in my head. Sometimes I'm ok with it, sometimes I hate it with a rage of a thousand suns. But he still lives in there, at least part time.
We were together for over 7 months and he told me countless times he was an old man (32) who just wanted to settle down and be with me. He told me regularly that we were in this for the long haul. That he wanted me and me alone and was too old and tired to cheat and never wanted to. We talked about growing old together.
Despite all that, about a month from the end, something in him changed. He was briefly hospitalized for 'exhaustion' and was never the same with me after that. There were flickers and glimmers of the man I was in love with but for the most part, he was distant, detached. Whole days would go by without us talking including stretches of 3 and 4. He even sounded different to me. I knew something was going on, I just didn't know what.
Until a friend told me he had found a profile for him on 2 different kink personals sites. Both advertising he was single. Both looking for a relationship.
When I tried to confront him, he told me 'this won't work out' if I was going to suspicious of him. When I told him about the sites, he said it was no big deal and we would talk about it. It took a week for him to finally get back to me to talk.
During the conversation, he lied to me and then got angry. He hung up on me twice. When I asked him to assume I knew everything and just tell me the truth he said no, tell me what you know. When I caught him in lies, he called me a liar and an asshole for it. He said nothing he did was wrong and he did it out of exhaustion and stress. He said it didn't matter because nothing on the internet is real. He threw another fit and hung up on me for a second time. I didn't call back.
Despite all of this, he still hangs around in my head. Despite all of this, sometimes I'm ok that he still hangs around in my head.
After reading all this back, I think it's eviction time. Pack your shit and get the fuck out :)
We were together for over 7 months and he told me countless times he was an old man (32) who just wanted to settle down and be with me. He told me regularly that we were in this for the long haul. That he wanted me and me alone and was too old and tired to cheat and never wanted to. We talked about growing old together.
Despite all that, about a month from the end, something in him changed. He was briefly hospitalized for 'exhaustion' and was never the same with me after that. There were flickers and glimmers of the man I was in love with but for the most part, he was distant, detached. Whole days would go by without us talking including stretches of 3 and 4. He even sounded different to me. I knew something was going on, I just didn't know what.
Until a friend told me he had found a profile for him on 2 different kink personals sites. Both advertising he was single. Both looking for a relationship.
When I tried to confront him, he told me 'this won't work out' if I was going to suspicious of him. When I told him about the sites, he said it was no big deal and we would talk about it. It took a week for him to finally get back to me to talk.
During the conversation, he lied to me and then got angry. He hung up on me twice. When I asked him to assume I knew everything and just tell me the truth he said no, tell me what you know. When I caught him in lies, he called me a liar and an asshole for it. He said nothing he did was wrong and he did it out of exhaustion and stress. He said it didn't matter because nothing on the internet is real. He threw another fit and hung up on me for a second time. I didn't call back.
Despite all of this, he still hangs around in my head. Despite all of this, sometimes I'm ok that he still hangs around in my head.
After reading all this back, I think it's eviction time. Pack your shit and get the fuck out :)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Love Is a State Of Insanity....
So I've been on the new kink site for a few days now and I must say, I'm really happy there. It's funny, I was so nervous to sign up but everyone I've talked to has been so friendly and helpful. I'm feeling a much stronger connection with my kink side and I've learned that I spent too much time worrying about titles and inadvertantly comparing myself to other kinksters. I know what I want more than ever now and that just because it doesn't involve me wanting any kink/BDSM/sub/dom stuff to be super serious all the time, doesn't make it any less valid. So yeah, things there are going swimmingly.
I found one thing rather unusual though. Everyone there has been exceedingly friendly and polite. I actually feel safer on there than I do on vanilla sites! Is it just me or do guys on regular sites have no respect (for themselves or women), tact and any sense of how to talk to a woman? Here's a few examples of message I've received in the last few days.
Kink: hi anytime you need help just ask.
Facebook: Oh yes you do have an awsome rack baby!!!
Kink: Hi, Just saying hello, really :) If you want to chat about any aspect of the lifestyle, ask any questions etc, feel free to contact me as I may be able to help.
FB: you have very sexy and wonderful boobs...
Kink: I'm not sure if I am what you are looking for but I would love to chat some more and perhaps help each other in each others journey of discovery into what we would like to discover in this alternative lifestyle.
FB: I like watching porn and jacking off while watching it,then lick my own come...also like to suck on my friends cock...we do it sometimes...just sucking and stroking each other...not sex
Notice a trend? The people on a kink/fetish site with a personals section for meeting people have all been polite, thoughtful and helpful. The guys on facebook, where I'm only there to play Mafia Wars and poke my friends, seem to think these are perfectly acceptable ways to address a stranger. What the hell??? Are guys really this stupid or is facebook just a black hole of intelligence where manners and decency get checked at the door? Extremely off-putting.
If anyone needs me, I'll be hanging out with the grown-ups on the kink site. If only I could sic my Mafia on these douchebags while I'm there.
I found one thing rather unusual though. Everyone there has been exceedingly friendly and polite. I actually feel safer on there than I do on vanilla sites! Is it just me or do guys on regular sites have no respect (for themselves or women), tact and any sense of how to talk to a woman? Here's a few examples of message I've received in the last few days.
Kink: hi anytime you need help just ask.
Facebook: Oh yes you do have an awsome rack baby!!!
Kink: Hi, Just saying hello, really :) If you want to chat about any aspect of the lifestyle, ask any questions etc, feel free to contact me as I may be able to help.
FB: you have very sexy and wonderful boobs...
Kink: I'm not sure if I am what you are looking for but I would love to chat some more and perhaps help each other in each others journey of discovery into what we would like to discover in this alternative lifestyle.
FB: I like watching porn and jacking off while watching it,then lick my own come...also like to suck on my friends cock...we do it sometimes...just sucking and stroking each other...not sex
Notice a trend? The people on a kink/fetish site with a personals section for meeting people have all been polite, thoughtful and helpful. The guys on facebook, where I'm only there to play Mafia Wars and poke my friends, seem to think these are perfectly acceptable ways to address a stranger. What the hell??? Are guys really this stupid or is facebook just a black hole of intelligence where manners and decency get checked at the door? Extremely off-putting.
If anyone needs me, I'll be hanging out with the grown-ups on the kink site. If only I could sic my Mafia on these douchebags while I'm there.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places....
So I've finally caved into the peer pressure of my beloved bffs and signed up on a personals site. I'm absolutely not ready to date or anything yet, but I figure it couldn't hurt to maybe meet some new people, make some new friends and find some people who are into the same things I am to talk to and learn from.
Yes, it's a kink site. I'm totally nervous but also excited. I'll keep you guys posted if any escapades or hyjinx break out :)
Yes, it's a kink site. I'm totally nervous but also excited. I'll keep you guys posted if any escapades or hyjinx break out :)
Friday, October 1, 2010
I Don't Know If I've Ever Been Really Loved By a Hand That's Touched Me....
So since I started writing this, I've been debating how much to include. I'm pretty much an open book, that's not the issue. I just don't want anything I share to come off as gratuitous. I certainly have nothing against erotica and porn but this is my real life I'm sharing here. Not that some of it couldn't pass for erotica and porn, I just wasn't sure it should.
Recent events have made me think long and hard about a couple things. One is honesty. While I don't believe it's always necessarily the best policy, (hurting someone's feelings over something small and unimportant is needless) I do believe it's crucial in relationships. Two specifically. One with your lover and one with yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself about who you are, your feelings, beliefs...you'll never be truly comfortable with yourself. And Much like love, you can't really be happy with anyone else until you're happy and comfortable with yourself.
This past year, a lot of things have changed for me. I met someone that allowed me to, for the first time in my life, be me. The real me. The me I''d always been ashamed of and terrified people would find out about. He embraced it, loved it and in turn made me embrace and love myself too.
That was one of the most upsetting things for me about our recent breakup. I know how irrational it is, but in the mind of a heartbroken woman, ration and reason have no place. I was horrified because I felt like without him, I was going to have to go back to how I used to be. In denial, faking my way through life and relationships. Going back to trying to be when guys want me to be and not who I am. Then I decided that didn't have to happen. Sure, I'd have to do stuff on my own and figure things out for myself, which honestly scares the shit out of me. But just because I lost him doesn't mean I have to lose the Me he helped me release.
So this is me: I'm a kinkster and a romantic. I love presents and flowers and teddy bears and cuffs and leather and chains. I like to cuddle and snuggle and make love and dominate and submit and rape. I like honey and baby and sweetheart and bitch and slave and dog. I like to cause and cry tears of happiness and tears of agony. I like inflicted pain kissed and made better. I like hugs and bondage. I like exerting my will and have it surpressed. I like having depraved things done to me while sweet things are said to me. I want it all and I want them all to expressions of deep, honest, passionate love.
So this is me and I can only hope that somewhere out there is a person who I will simply fit with and they will fit with me and we'll both be able to have it all. Together.
Recent events have made me think long and hard about a couple things. One is honesty. While I don't believe it's always necessarily the best policy, (hurting someone's feelings over something small and unimportant is needless) I do believe it's crucial in relationships. Two specifically. One with your lover and one with yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself about who you are, your feelings, beliefs...you'll never be truly comfortable with yourself. And Much like love, you can't really be happy with anyone else until you're happy and comfortable with yourself.
This past year, a lot of things have changed for me. I met someone that allowed me to, for the first time in my life, be me. The real me. The me I''d always been ashamed of and terrified people would find out about. He embraced it, loved it and in turn made me embrace and love myself too.
That was one of the most upsetting things for me about our recent breakup. I know how irrational it is, but in the mind of a heartbroken woman, ration and reason have no place. I was horrified because I felt like without him, I was going to have to go back to how I used to be. In denial, faking my way through life and relationships. Going back to trying to be when guys want me to be and not who I am. Then I decided that didn't have to happen. Sure, I'd have to do stuff on my own and figure things out for myself, which honestly scares the shit out of me. But just because I lost him doesn't mean I have to lose the Me he helped me release.
So this is me: I'm a kinkster and a romantic. I love presents and flowers and teddy bears and cuffs and leather and chains. I like to cuddle and snuggle and make love and dominate and submit and rape. I like honey and baby and sweetheart and bitch and slave and dog. I like to cause and cry tears of happiness and tears of agony. I like inflicted pain kissed and made better. I like hugs and bondage. I like exerting my will and have it surpressed. I like having depraved things done to me while sweet things are said to me. I want it all and I want them all to expressions of deep, honest, passionate love.
So this is me and I can only hope that somewhere out there is a person who I will simply fit with and they will fit with me and we'll both be able to have it all. Together.
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