Never gonna stop, give it up. Such a dirty mind....

My Sharona by the Kinks. Kinks, kinky. See what I did there?

Sigh, nevermind.

Anyhoo, I thought it was about time I gave an update on the kink site I joined. Things are going very well and I've met a lot of very nice people. More importantly though, I've learned a TON.

One thing that's hit me time and time again in the month or so I've been on there is how many things from my last relationship make more sense to me now. I really just didn't get it before. I had an idea, sure. But I have a much firmer grasp and understanding of things now. I kind of wish I'd have the chance to talk to my ex again about this stuff. It would be interesting to say the least.

I've also learned a lot about myself. For instance, years back, the very first things I learned about kink was through being an online sub to a friend. For years that stuck with me and I definitely have submissive leanings and desires. Then with my ex, I became something of a domme by default. I enjoy both. Once I got on the site, I immediately assumed I was a switch. After doing a lot of reading and asking questions, I see now that I definitely lean more towards topping and bottoming than doming and subbing. While I have no problem subbing, I have definite limits. Not just Hard limits, but I'm more of a bedroom sub than a lifestyle one.

As for topping/domming one of the most interesting things I've figured out is my forte seems to be ownership. I've discovered I really enjoy pet play and would much rather have a pet than a slave. I'm a very affection, protective person and that just fits so well with pets. It's funny, I indulged in pet play with the ex without really noticing. He was my puppy. It was a nickname, yeah, but it was also a cue that it was playtime and I was feeling controlling and he better be ready to obey me. I have a kitty now. A very sweet boy who couldn't be anything but a kitten.

I've learned I'm absolutely a sensual domme/top/owner/sub/bottom. I have no interest or desire for pain and punishment (other than teasing and denial) and that doesn't make me any less than the next kinky person. I used to feel like I somehow wasn't 'real' because I didn't want or want to inflict pain. Now I know it's all about what fits you.

So yeah. Things are going very well. Met some great, helpful people and make some new friends. Mission accomplished.

I guess that means it's time for a new mission ;)

I Don't Know If I've Ever Been Really Loved By a Hand That's Touched Me....

So since I started writing this, I've been debating how much to include. I'm pretty much an open book, that's not the issue. I just don't want anything I share to come off as gratuitous. I certainly have nothing against erotica and porn but this is my real life I'm sharing here. Not that some of it couldn't pass for erotica and porn, I just wasn't sure it should.

Recent events have made me think long and hard about a couple things. One is honesty. While I don't believe it's always necessarily the best policy, (hurting someone's feelings over something small and unimportant is needless) I do believe it's crucial in relationships. Two specifically. One with your lover and one with yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself about who you are, your feelings, beliefs...you'll never be truly comfortable with yourself. And Much like love, you can't really be happy with anyone else until you're happy and comfortable with yourself.

This past year, a lot of things have changed for me. I met someone that allowed me to, for the first time in my life, be me. The real me. The me I''d always been ashamed of and terrified people would find out about. He embraced it, loved it and in turn made me embrace and love myself too.

That was one of the most upsetting things for me about our recent breakup. I know how irrational it is, but in the mind of a heartbroken woman, ration and reason have no place. I was horrified because I felt like without him, I was going to have to go back to how I used to be. In denial, faking my way through life and relationships. Going back to trying to be when guys want me to be and not who I am. Then I decided that didn't have to happen. Sure, I'd have to do stuff on my own and figure things out for myself, which honestly scares the shit out of me. But just because I lost him doesn't mean I have to lose the Me he helped me release.

So this is me: I'm a kinkster and a romantic. I love presents and flowers and teddy bears and cuffs and leather and chains. I like to cuddle and snuggle and make love and dominate and submit and rape. I like honey and baby and sweetheart and bitch and slave and dog. I like to cause and cry tears of happiness and tears of agony. I like inflicted pain kissed and made better. I like hugs and bondage. I like exerting my will and have it surpressed. I like having depraved things done to me while sweet things are said to me. I want it all and I want them all to expressions of deep, honest, passionate love.

So this is me and I can only hope that somewhere out there is a person who I will simply fit with and they will fit with me and we'll both be able to have it all. Together.