Book Stuff: LDR #2

This was my first foray back into the world of long distance relationships. Also, my virgin voyage into internet dating. It was all completely accidental. I had vaguely known him from a message board I was a member of for about a year. Our only real contact up to that point had been him coming to my virtual rescue against a message board bully who has targeted me. I had always been touched by that. That he had stuck up for someone he barely knew simply because he felt I was being wronged. I thanked him when it happened and asked why he did it. He was incredibly sweet and told me he could tell from the way I had treated other people and carried myself online that I didn't deserve the abuse I was getting. It meant so much to me when he said that. I considered him a friend after that despite the fact that we only traded a messaged hello or two for about seven months after that.

One night I was instant messaging with a couple friends when I saw him sign on. I hadn't talked to him in months, so I happily sent him a hello. He replied somewhat more sedately than he usually was and I asked him how he was. It turned out it was his birthday.
Excited to discover that, I wished him a very happy birthday and asked how he had celebrated it. He hadn't. I asked him why not and if everything was ok. Turned out, he had recently broken up with his long time live in girlfriend and basically spent the day alone. I felt terrible for him and decided to myself that I needed to do something that make him feel a bit better, even if it was just for a couple hours.

I asked him if he needed someone to talk to about all he was going through and that I was happy to listen if he did. He told me a little of what had happened between them but I didn't push the issue. I mean, we were casual online aquaintances at best and not everyone is comfortable opening up to a stranger. When I felt him talking about it all was doing more harm than good, I tried to steer the subject in other directions. We casually talked about the board we had met on then the conversation slowly evolved into getting to know each other better. That first conversation online lasted seven hours. We covered, life, love, mutual friends, family, jobs, hobbies and anything else we could think of. I can remember at one point thinking, "wow, this is like the best first date I've ever had". If we began the night as aquaintances, we most certainly ended it as good friends....if not more. We just instanly clicked. The conversation flowed smoothly, we got each other's humour and I accomplished my goal: for a few hours, he'd forgotten about the heartache he'd been going through and was able to laugh and enjoy his birthday. I should probably mention what else made the night special. He lives overseas and is five hours ahead of me. It was already well after midnight his time when we began talking late morning when we finally said goodnight. Somewhere in the middle of it all, we reminiced a bit about the first time we had noticed each other online. As it turned out, he had known, and liked me (platonically), for quite a while. He thought I was funny and clever and kind. I was so flattered. I told him I had liked him as well and somewhere in the midst of all that, I'm fairly sure there was a bit of flirting. Very harmless, casual, giggly school kids flirting, but nonetheless. We had a wonderful night together and part of why it went on so long was simply that neither of us wanted it to end.

We Can Dance, We Can Dance, Everybody Look At Your Pants....

Thank you Homer Simpson. Please don't sue me Matt Groening.

Now then, safety first...

No one wants to think their new sweetie is a deranged serial killer and, frankly, they probably aren't. Personal safety is never a fun thing to have to think about when you're in the throes of a thriving new relationship. It forces you to pay attention to things that happen in the Real World and consider the fact that, despite all evidence to the contrary, the object of your new found affection might not actually be perfect.

We've all heard the horror stores: women falling for the man of their dreams online only to discover he's more of a nightmare. It's not an uncommon occurrence to see stories on the news or in the papers about these situations and daytime talk shows seem to thrive on them. People of all ages, races and religions have been scammed out of money and possessions, assaulted, raped and killed by someone they thought they were in love with. It can happen to anyone at anytime. The trick is to take sufficient actions to make sure it doesn't happen to you.

Now I'm not ripping on the internet here, these things happen in Real World relationships too. In fact, five years ago, I met a nice guy at a show. He seemed pleasant and friendly and asked me out. I said yes and we went to dinner. Now, I was raised to always err on the side of caution. I knew nothing about this guy, so I had him pick me up at a mall near my place and drop me off at a coffee shop. A bit of the paranoid side maybe, but my motto is Better Safe Than Sorry. Real original, I know. Anyway, we went for a nice dinner and hung out at the boardwalk. He seemed like a decent guy with a good job and swell life but I didn't feel any sort of spark for him and somewhere around dessert, decided this would be our only date. At the end of the night, I thanked him for a nice time and gave him a hug. After a week or so of dropping constant hints to him that I wasn't interest, he stopped emailing. And that was that.

Except it wasn't. Seven months later, I got an email from him. A very threatening email. It had been sent to several people and I was one of the lucky ones. I contacted the police who quickly found his work and address and kept an eye on his for me. I chose not to take any legal action. For one, it wouldn't have been difficult for a lawyer to argue he meant nothing by it and it, and he, was harmless. For two, you just don't poke the bear. This guy remembered me and not fondly. If I got threats for not wanting a second date, what would pressing charges get me? I was not willing to find out. Plus, I discovered through the officers handling my case that he lived about 45 minutes away from me. Between that and knowing he didn't know where I lived, I felt safe enough. The police were extremely helpful. They kept an eye on his home and work and told me to stay in contact with them and report any further communication. I got a few more emails over the next year (all sent to several people) then nothing else. Actually, not quite nothing. I got a friend request from him on a social networking site. He had searched for me using my email address. Needless to say he was quickly denied and blocked and I reported him as someone who was contacting me after having been investigated for stalking me. Which brings me to Safety Tip #1: Learn how to block people on every communicative site you're on, from social sites to email and everything in between. Learn how to control the privacy settings so only people you know and trust are able to find out your personal info. And never be afraid to say 'no'. It's amazing how many women I've talked to who feel like they're being rude for declining a friend request or blocking a person. Well, I'd rather be rude than stalked or worse, but that's just me.

Comments...

I'd love some :) Seriously, I'd love to know what you guys think so don't be shy! Especially if you find something has a familiar feel to you. For one, I'd appreciate knowing I have some sort of audience out there lol. And for two, it'd be nice to know this crazy shit doesn't only happen to me! :D

I've always wanted to write a book...

But I figured until the book is done, I'll start a blog. Something of a pre-book, if you will. Mostly this will act as my not-so-private journal as I recall my experiences with long distance relationships and internet dating, reflect on what I've learned and think out loud about my current relationship.

I'll be updating this regularly with tidbits from my everyday life and snippets that will be in my book. This is where I'm planning to do all my brainstorming and first drafting so expect a lot cursing and debating on whether something is too graphic to recount.

So then, a little about myself....I'm a 34 year old woman with a significant domination streak who's been around the block a time or three. I'm currently in a LDR with an amazing man who lives roughly 1500 miles away from. We are extremely happy and in love. How is that possible? How does that work? Does it work at all?

Guess you'll just have to follow my exploits to find out ;)