Scars Are Souvenirs You Never Lose, The Past Is Never Far....

So I had one of those feelings that yesterday was something. I knew the day had some sort of significance to me but I couldn't think of what it was. I'm excellent with remembering dates so I was sure it wasn't a birthday or anniversary. It nagged me most of the afternoon until I happened to drive past a big digital sign outside of an office building and saw the date on it. Then it hit me.

October 29th 1998 was the day I ended my first real, long term relationship. We had been together since November 29th 1994. This is the relationship I talked about in my book stuff, LDR #1. It didn't really affect me anyway except I was happy to have remembered what was bugging me about the day.

About that breakup. My ex had been cheating on me with my then best friend of 14 years. I found out, had it out with both of them and that was the end of both of them in my life. Obviously at the time, it was devastating. I lost two of the most important people in my life in one fell swoop and it left me without the one who I always went to with my problems. But I eventually got over it and moved on.

I haven't talked to either of them since but I wouldn't mind to now. I wouldn't go out of my way to, but if we ever crossed paths, I'd probably say hi. I blame them both equally for what happened, they both betrayed me and my love for them and broke my heart.

Funny thing though. For maybe the last eight or so years, I've dreamt of them fairly often. Like, probably once a week kind of often. It's usually her and it's usually a normal situation in my current where her and I just happen to still be friends. When I dream of him, I'm usually angry and repulsed by him. We're still in a relationship but I clearly want nothing to do with him. I've always found that funny how my subconscious seems to play favourites between them.

So anyways, I get home from work last night and took a nap. I dreamt that I was visiting my ex at his parents place where I used to spend weekends with him. But this time it was different. We were happy and laughing and generally having a good time hanging out and when I left, I specifically referred to him as my ex-boyfriend. Then I woke up.

Like the title says, the past is never far away, but sometimes, it's far enough. And while you never do lose your scars, after 12 years, they certainly fade.

Book Stuff: LDR #2

This was my first foray back into the world of long distance relationships. Also, my virgin voyage into internet dating. It was all completely accidental. I had vaguely known him from a message board I was a member of for about a year. Our only real contact up to that point had been him coming to my virtual rescue against a message board bully who has targeted me. I had always been touched by that. That he had stuck up for someone he barely knew simply because he felt I was being wronged. I thanked him when it happened and asked why he did it. He was incredibly sweet and told me he could tell from the way I had treated other people and carried myself online that I didn't deserve the abuse I was getting. It meant so much to me when he said that. I considered him a friend after that despite the fact that we only traded a messaged hello or two for about seven months after that.

One night I was instant messaging with a couple friends when I saw him sign on. I hadn't talked to him in months, so I happily sent him a hello. He replied somewhat more sedately than he usually was and I asked him how he was. It turned out it was his birthday.
Excited to discover that, I wished him a very happy birthday and asked how he had celebrated it. He hadn't. I asked him why not and if everything was ok. Turned out, he had recently broken up with his long time live in girlfriend and basically spent the day alone. I felt terrible for him and decided to myself that I needed to do something that make him feel a bit better, even if it was just for a couple hours.

I asked him if he needed someone to talk to about all he was going through and that I was happy to listen if he did. He told me a little of what had happened between them but I didn't push the issue. I mean, we were casual online aquaintances at best and not everyone is comfortable opening up to a stranger. When I felt him talking about it all was doing more harm than good, I tried to steer the subject in other directions. We casually talked about the board we had met on then the conversation slowly evolved into getting to know each other better. That first conversation online lasted seven hours. We covered, life, love, mutual friends, family, jobs, hobbies and anything else we could think of. I can remember at one point thinking, "wow, this is like the best first date I've ever had". If we began the night as aquaintances, we most certainly ended it as good friends....if not more. We just instanly clicked. The conversation flowed smoothly, we got each other's humour and I accomplished my goal: for a few hours, he'd forgotten about the heartache he'd been going through and was able to laugh and enjoy his birthday. I should probably mention what else made the night special. He lives overseas and is five hours ahead of me. It was already well after midnight his time when we began talking late morning when we finally said goodnight. Somewhere in the middle of it all, we reminiced a bit about the first time we had noticed each other online. As it turned out, he had known, and liked me (platonically), for quite a while. He thought I was funny and clever and kind. I was so flattered. I told him I had liked him as well and somewhere in the midst of all that, I'm fairly sure there was a bit of flirting. Very harmless, casual, giggly school kids flirting, but nonetheless. We had a wonderful night together and part of why it went on so long was simply that neither of us wanted it to end.

We Can Dance, We Can Dance, Everybody Look At Your Pants....

Thank you Homer Simpson. Please don't sue me Matt Groening.

Now then, safety first...

No one wants to think their new sweetie is a deranged serial killer and, frankly, they probably aren't. Personal safety is never a fun thing to have to think about when you're in the throes of a thriving new relationship. It forces you to pay attention to things that happen in the Real World and consider the fact that, despite all evidence to the contrary, the object of your new found affection might not actually be perfect.

We've all heard the horror stores: women falling for the man of their dreams online only to discover he's more of a nightmare. It's not an uncommon occurrence to see stories on the news or in the papers about these situations and daytime talk shows seem to thrive on them. People of all ages, races and religions have been scammed out of money and possessions, assaulted, raped and killed by someone they thought they were in love with. It can happen to anyone at anytime. The trick is to take sufficient actions to make sure it doesn't happen to you.

Now I'm not ripping on the internet here, these things happen in Real World relationships too. In fact, five years ago, I met a nice guy at a show. He seemed pleasant and friendly and asked me out. I said yes and we went to dinner. Now, I was raised to always err on the side of caution. I knew nothing about this guy, so I had him pick me up at a mall near my place and drop me off at a coffee shop. A bit of the paranoid side maybe, but my motto is Better Safe Than Sorry. Real original, I know. Anyway, we went for a nice dinner and hung out at the boardwalk. He seemed like a decent guy with a good job and swell life but I didn't feel any sort of spark for him and somewhere around dessert, decided this would be our only date. At the end of the night, I thanked him for a nice time and gave him a hug. After a week or so of dropping constant hints to him that I wasn't interest, he stopped emailing. And that was that.

Except it wasn't. Seven months later, I got an email from him. A very threatening email. It had been sent to several people and I was one of the lucky ones. I contacted the police who quickly found his work and address and kept an eye on his for me. I chose not to take any legal action. For one, it wouldn't have been difficult for a lawyer to argue he meant nothing by it and it, and he, was harmless. For two, you just don't poke the bear. This guy remembered me and not fondly. If I got threats for not wanting a second date, what would pressing charges get me? I was not willing to find out. Plus, I discovered through the officers handling my case that he lived about 45 minutes away from me. Between that and knowing he didn't know where I lived, I felt safe enough. The police were extremely helpful. They kept an eye on his home and work and told me to stay in contact with them and report any further communication. I got a few more emails over the next year (all sent to several people) then nothing else. Actually, not quite nothing. I got a friend request from him on a social networking site. He had searched for me using my email address. Needless to say he was quickly denied and blocked and I reported him as someone who was contacting me after having been investigated for stalking me. Which brings me to Safety Tip #1: Learn how to block people on every communicative site you're on, from social sites to email and everything in between. Learn how to control the privacy settings so only people you know and trust are able to find out your personal info. And never be afraid to say 'no'. It's amazing how many women I've talked to who feel like they're being rude for declining a friend request or blocking a person. Well, I'd rather be rude than stalked or worse, but that's just me.

Tell Me What It Takes To Let You Go....

Time for a little more demon exorcising in hopes that maybe I can figure some stuff out. My ex is still in my head. Sometimes I'm ok with it, sometimes I hate it with a rage of a thousand suns. But he still lives in there, at least part time.

We were together for over 7 months and he told me countless times he was an old man (32) who just wanted to settle down and be with me. He told me regularly that we were in this for the long haul. That he wanted me and me alone and was too old and tired to cheat and never wanted to. We talked about growing old together.

Despite all that, about a month from the end, something in him changed. He was briefly hospitalized for 'exhaustion' and was never the same with me after that. There were flickers and glimmers of the man I was in love with but for the most part, he was distant, detached. Whole days would go by without us talking including stretches of 3 and 4. He even sounded different to me. I knew something was going on, I just didn't know what.

Until a friend told me he had found a profile for him on 2 different kink personals sites. Both advertising he was single. Both looking for a relationship.

When I tried to confront him, he told me 'this won't work out' if I was going to suspicious of him. When I told him about the sites, he said it was no big deal and we would talk about it. It took a week for him to finally get back to me to talk.

During the conversation, he lied to me and then got angry. He hung up on me twice. When I asked him to assume I knew everything and just tell me the truth he said no, tell me what you know. When I caught him in lies, he called me a liar and an asshole for it. He said nothing he did was wrong and he did it out of exhaustion and stress. He said it didn't matter because nothing on the internet is real. He threw another fit and hung up on me for a second time. I didn't call back.

Despite all of this, he still hangs around in my head. Despite all of this, sometimes I'm ok that he still hangs around in my head.

After reading all this back, I think it's eviction time. Pack your shit and get the fuck out :)

Love Is a State Of Insanity....

So I've been on the new kink site for a few days now and I must say, I'm really happy there. It's funny, I was so nervous to sign up but everyone I've talked to has been so friendly and helpful. I'm feeling a much stronger connection with my kink side and I've learned that I spent too much time worrying about titles and inadvertantly comparing myself to other kinksters. I know what I want more than ever now and that just because it doesn't involve me wanting any kink/BDSM/sub/dom stuff to be super serious all the time, doesn't make it any less valid. So yeah, things there are going swimmingly.

I found one thing rather unusual though. Everyone there has been exceedingly friendly and polite. I actually feel safer on there than I do on vanilla sites! Is it just me or do guys on regular sites have no respect (for themselves or women), tact and any sense of how to talk to a woman? Here's a few examples of message I've received in the last few days.

Kink: hi anytime you need help just ask.
Facebook: Oh yes you do have an awsome rack baby!!!

Kink: Hi, Just saying hello, really :) If you want to chat about any aspect of the lifestyle, ask any questions etc, feel free to contact me as I may be able to help.
FB: you have very sexy and wonderful boobs...

Kink: I'm not sure if I am what you are looking for but I would love to chat some more and perhaps help each other in each others journey of discovery into what we would like to discover in this alternative lifestyle.
FB: I like watching porn and jacking off while watching it,then lick my own come...also like to suck on my friends cock...we do it sometimes...just sucking and stroking each other...not sex

Notice a trend? The people on a kink/fetish site with a personals section for meeting people have all been polite, thoughtful and helpful. The guys on facebook, where I'm only there to play Mafia Wars and poke my friends, seem to think these are perfectly acceptable ways to address a stranger. What the hell??? Are guys really this stupid or is facebook just a black hole of intelligence where manners and decency get checked at the door? Extremely off-putting.

If anyone needs me, I'll be hanging out with the grown-ups on the kink site. If only I could sic my Mafia on these douchebags while I'm there.

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places....

So I've finally caved into the peer pressure of my beloved bffs and signed up on a personals site. I'm absolutely not ready to date or anything yet, but I figure it couldn't hurt to maybe meet some new people, make some new friends and find some people who are into the same things I am to talk to and learn from.

Yes, it's a kink site. I'm totally nervous but also excited. I'll keep you guys posted if any escapades or hyjinx break out :)

Back To Business: Unclean, Uncleeeeeeeeeeean

NOTE: This was written before the relationship I refer to ended. I don't plan on changing anything I wrote before my breakup but I will address it all in the chapter concerning the ill-fated LDR #5.

Ok, that might be a slight over-dramatization, but you definitely need to be prepared to deal with reactions like that once you take the plunge into internet dating or a long distance relationship. Like anyone in a new relationships, you're going to be bursting with bliss, giddy with glee and all of those other things that make everyone around you nauseous. Most importantly, you're dying to share your good news with your family, friends and everyone you pass on the street. Normally, this would be a simple task. You just say you've met someone who makes you weak in the knees. But what if you haven't met them yet?

In my experience, upon telling someone of an internet relationship, you'll get one of two reactions. Either the person you tell will be happy for you and basically react as if this was a traditional relationship. Or they'll look at you like you've grown a second head. There seems to be very little middle ground on this one. People either get it or they don't.

When they get it, it requires little explanation. You'll generally discuss how you met, how you stay in contact, how serious you feel things are then get into all the juicy details about how perfect and adorable the new object of your affection is. Pretty standard stuff.

When someone doesn't get it, they'll think things like it's not 'real', it doesn't 'count' as a relationship, you can't have feeling for someone you've never met and usually offer some sort of well meaning advice like "but you're such a great catch! you don't have to do this!" Be warned: expect to be extremely frustrated dealing with someone who doesn't get it. But also remember: if you've told them, they must be important to you. While it's disappointing to not always get the reaction you want, the reaction you get, is generally out of love for you. Does that make it ok? Not by a long shot. But for everyone's sake, you need to put yourself in their shoes and try to see how they can't quite grasp it.

My person who doesn't get it, and trust me on this one you'll have one too, is my Mom. Now no offence to older readers, but I think it's a generational thing. My Mom doesn't understand how the internet and new technologies have made the world a much smaller place. Not only do I talk to my current boyfriend on the phone every day, we also text, im, email and video chat. We even sleep together sometimes, both of us curled up in bed with out respective netbooks. Is it the same as being in bed together? Not even close. But believe me, some nights, it makes those 1500 miles feel like the length of my arm. To my Mom's credit, she always tries to understand, even when it makes little sense to her. As long as I'm happy and the person I'm with makes me happy, then she's happy too. Not that it hasn't been a point of contention at times. We've had more than a few arguments on the subject, but when it comes right down to it, she always supports me and I'm eternally grateful for that.

TBC.

I Don't Know If I've Ever Been Really Loved By a Hand That's Touched Me....

So since I started writing this, I've been debating how much to include. I'm pretty much an open book, that's not the issue. I just don't want anything I share to come off as gratuitous. I certainly have nothing against erotica and porn but this is my real life I'm sharing here. Not that some of it couldn't pass for erotica and porn, I just wasn't sure it should.

Recent events have made me think long and hard about a couple things. One is honesty. While I don't believe it's always necessarily the best policy, (hurting someone's feelings over something small and unimportant is needless) I do believe it's crucial in relationships. Two specifically. One with your lover and one with yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself about who you are, your feelings, beliefs...you'll never be truly comfortable with yourself. And Much like love, you can't really be happy with anyone else until you're happy and comfortable with yourself.

This past year, a lot of things have changed for me. I met someone that allowed me to, for the first time in my life, be me. The real me. The me I''d always been ashamed of and terrified people would find out about. He embraced it, loved it and in turn made me embrace and love myself too.

That was one of the most upsetting things for me about our recent breakup. I know how irrational it is, but in the mind of a heartbroken woman, ration and reason have no place. I was horrified because I felt like without him, I was going to have to go back to how I used to be. In denial, faking my way through life and relationships. Going back to trying to be when guys want me to be and not who I am. Then I decided that didn't have to happen. Sure, I'd have to do stuff on my own and figure things out for myself, which honestly scares the shit out of me. But just because I lost him doesn't mean I have to lose the Me he helped me release.

So this is me: I'm a kinkster and a romantic. I love presents and flowers and teddy bears and cuffs and leather and chains. I like to cuddle and snuggle and make love and dominate and submit and rape. I like honey and baby and sweetheart and bitch and slave and dog. I like to cause and cry tears of happiness and tears of agony. I like inflicted pain kissed and made better. I like hugs and bondage. I like exerting my will and have it surpressed. I like having depraved things done to me while sweet things are said to me. I want it all and I want them all to expressions of deep, honest, passionate love.

So this is me and I can only hope that somewhere out there is a person who I will simply fit with and they will fit with me and we'll both be able to have it all. Together.